I get depressed when I think too much. I remembered what it felt like last weekend: thinking and knowing without an outlet. It’s a feeling of being stuck inches from the road outside your door ( as Bilbo says “there’s no knowing where you might be swept off to”). Being stuck inside myself, seeking the self motivation to get a full days school work done. I’ve never made a very good homeschooler. In a sense it’s being stuck behind a one way window where you can see the world, and see the needy and yet your arm is blocked to reach out and make a difference in their world. Two years ago I experienced that emotion at its height, and knew I had to escape it.
Up until now I haven’t really told you much of my backstory, and I expect it will come in pieces from here out. But today the edges af the puzzle are revealed: the part that everything else builds off of.
These emotions had been building for quite some time. They were stirring, and growing, and testing the limits. I finally reached my breaking point, and I’m afraid that those pent up thoughts just kind of exploded all over everybody who was there. A lot of people tried to say nice and helpful things, most of which never registered. But one person, a woman I have come to greatly respect since then, said the only thing that mattered. It was the thing I wrote in my journal that night lest I forget. This woman has a lot of years under her belt, but still there is a huge amount of life and wisdom left in her; these jewels she bestows on people everywhere she goes. My little treasure was simply and profoundly this: “God builds big things on strong foundations, honey.” I will never ever forget those words. Those were the words I clung to when I began to feel unused again, those were the words I pondered as I attempted to glimpse the future. My comfort, and my one hope.
The truth of that statement hit me again in the summer of 2010 coming across loud and clear in a letter from a close friend: “You appear to be so much steadier in your walk with God that I have ever been, and my foundations have been good but unstable.” Out of any other word she could have chosen she chose foundation. I don’t believe that was a coincidence.
I thank God for those who have nurtured, and grown my foundation since then. There have been many. I am also thankful that those emotions I mentioned now have somewhere to go thanks to my release into the world of the public school; there’s no longer a one way window blocking my way. I have been able to fulfill the words of the other person I quoted in that journal entry (my pastor), though I had forgotten them until I looked it up to write this. He said “God’s goal is transformation,not just rescue: from consumer to supplier.” What a true and relevant message. Looking back to my first post here I see how much these two phrases have intertwined in my life. Oh, and as for the reliever of my tension last weekend? I have sled riding to thank. It didn’t blow up this time; God’s love was slowly let out onto a precious girl that he wants as his own.
So yeah, that’s a part of my life song, a significant part, a keystone. What’s a part of yours?