God Opens a Window

I get depressed when I think too much. I remembered what it felt like last weekend: thinking and knowing without an outlet. It’s a feeling of being stuck inches from the road outside your door ( as Bilbo says “there’s no knowing where you might be swept off to”). Being stuck inside myself, seeking the self motivation to get a full days school work done. I’ve never made a very good homeschooler. In a sense it’s being stuck behind a one way window where you can see the world, and see the needy and yet your arm is blocked to reach out and make a difference in their world. Two years ago I experienced that emotion at its height, and knew I had to escape it.

Up until now I haven’t really told you much of my backstory, and I expect it will come in pieces from here out. But today the edges af the puzzle are revealed: the part that everything else builds off of.

These emotions had been building for quite some time. They were stirring, and growing, and testing the limits. I finally reached my breaking point, and I’m afraid that those pent up thoughts just kind of exploded all over everybody who was there. A lot of people tried to say nice and helpful things, most of which never registered. But one person, a woman I have come to greatly respect since then, said the only thing that mattered. It was the thing I wrote in my journal that night lest I forget. This woman has a lot of years under her belt, but still there is a huge amount of life and wisdom left in her; these jewels she bestows on people everywhere she goes. My little treasure was simply and profoundly this: “God builds big things on strong foundations, honey.” I will never  ever  forget those words. Those were the words I clung to when I began to feel unused again, those were the words I pondered as I attempted to glimpse the future. My comfort, and my one hope.

The truth of that statement hit me again in the summer of 2010 coming across loud and clear in a letter from a close friend: “You appear to be so much steadier in your walk with God that I have ever been, and my foundations have been good but unstable.” Out of any other word she could have chosen she chose foundation. I don’t believe that was a coincidence.

I thank God for those who have nurtured, and grown my foundation since then. There have been many. I am also thankful that those emotions I mentioned now have somewhere to go thanks to my release into the world of the public school; there’s no longer a one way window blocking my way. I have been able to fulfill the words of the other person I quoted in that journal entry (my pastor), though I had forgotten them until I looked it up to write this. He said “God’s goal is transformation,not just rescue: from consumer to supplier.” What a true and relevant message. Looking back to my first post here I see how much these two phrases have intertwined in my life. Oh, and as for the reliever of my tension last weekend? I have sled riding to thank. It didn’t blow up this time; God’s love was slowly let out onto a precious girl that he wants as his own.

So yeah, that’s a part of my life song, a significant part, a keystone. What’s a part of yours?

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Categories: Journey Prologues., My Life | Tags: , , | 4 Comments

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4 thoughts on “God Opens a Window

  1. “God’s goal is transformation, not just rescue: from consumer to supplier.”

    I needed to hear that.

    Oh my word, I get so stuck inside myself too, and then I start panicking because I think I’ll never be able to get out, and I see the road outside and I just haven’t got the strength to crawl out of bed and walk through the door. How can I EVER slay dragons when I can’t even get out of bed?

    I dream of being a supplier, of being used, of being great, but all I can do is consume, and I get so frustrated and wonder if God will EVER do something. Maybe it’s because He IS trying to transform me, not just rescue me.

    But I forget that alot.

    I was never good with patience, and I hate waiting, so I get discouraged.

    So I get through by singing, singing those certain songs that help me hold on, singing even when I can’t decide whether I really believe the words or not, I sing them until things get lighter and the songs prove they were right after all.

    It looks like we may have alot in common, and I can’t wait to hear your story.

    I like you. 🙂

  2. “I was never good with patience, and I hate waiting, so I get discouraged.”

    Funny, as I was walking outside praying for you today I talked about waiting a lot.

    Singing. We are very alike. I have been thinking of posting about singing, there are so many songs that have held me through…

    I feel like God is going to do something big through you. Your story is amazing, and I cannot wait to see how God continues to write it. In short, I like you too.

  3. As you were walking outside praying for me.

    If you only knew how much hearing those words helped me. Ever since, I’ve been walking around the house saying to myself, ‘Someone is praying for me. I’m not alone. Someone’s fighting for me. Somewhere hundreds of miles away, someone’s praying. Someone’s praying!’ I say that to myself whenever I get overwhelmed, and somehow it’s not so hard anymore. I can do this. I’m not isolated. Because someone’s praying.

    I…wish thank you were big enough, but it’s not. I’ve just been praying that God will send you the biggest blessing back in return.

    Thank you SO MUCH.

    • Oh, Nastya your welcome. Nothing compares with knowing that God is using me; it’s easy to doubt sometimes. So thank you, you just made my day as well.

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