Just when I think I’m successfully living with open hands, just when I think I’ve given everything to God, just when I begin to fantasize that I’m securely rooted in the passenger seat of my life He knocks on another door of my heart. He asks for the keys to another portion, and everything in me rebels. You want me to let go of that? You want me to let your will rule there? But, but… I love that, and I see where your will is going to take that, and it’s not safe, and it scares me, and it hurts, and, well, most of all I don’t want to let go.
So here I am holding on with white knuckled fists as He gently pries my fingers loose and asks me to let go. Sometimes that can be the hardest thing in the world:letting go. It’s a process, and it hurts, and it burns, and it tortures. It’s like I’m Frodo letting go of the ring. I’m standing right on the brink knowing what I have to do, but somehow my that has wrapped its strings around my heart so many times that it’s become a part of me, and now I have to let go. It hurts to surrender something so totally, as Abraham. I’m standing with my knife poised, and I’m wondering Will God provide a ram? And even if He doesn’t will I actually go through with it? Have I so totally surrendered my will and given over to God’s plan that I’m willing to do this?
I’m not there yet. I’m still clutching, and fighting. I’m only just beginning to realize that I must let go. I’m only beginning to reach my hand out over the flames, praying for another way, still not entirely sure if I will drop it or pull it back in at the last minute. This hurts, it hurts deeply. Layers of me are being peeled away. “Not my will, but yours be done.” is not an easy thing to say and mean, but maybe I am starting. Maybe I’m no longer in the beginning, but in the midst of this thing called letting go.Maybe surrender is another one of those words we like to leave in the gold lettering because it is so hard to embody. He embodied it. Jesus never calls me to go though anything-any Gathsemeney- that He hasn’t gone through Himself.