Change

I’ve yet to find anyone who can fully capture the essence of intercession, and exhortation. The power of an imperfect soul reaching out and attempting to help others in and through Christ is amazing. It’s healing for both people, but I honestly think that the reacher gets the ultimate experience.  After a couple of months of looking at spiritual gifts on and off I’ve come to the conclusion that these are my primary ones. I say I don’t like labels, and that’s true, but it’s been kind of freeing to find these ones actually… I wrote a whole entire post about bittersweet endings, but real life isn’t that neat. Just because I write about something doesn’t mean it’s gone entirely: my life is real, and messy. The immanent ending keeps invading. Everyone wants to know my plans for next year, for graduation, and for future jobs, but the truth is I’m not there yet; I’m still struggling with yesterday. It’s nice to have some definition occasionally. A knapsack of dreams, and aimless feet don’t satisfy forever. I need to know God’s purpose for more than my past.

See, I don’t like change. I’ve never liked change. But the problem with change is that whether you like it or not it happens. Change has no regard for people or places or preferences; it just happens. I’m not ready yet. I don’t feel like this story is finished, but it doesn’t matter. Change is pushing me on. So I have these things to cling to, these purposes :intercession and exhortation. These things and a God that never changes. The last few miles on this road have been and are going to be painful. Trying to end things, and prepare my soul to start things is definitely an interesting process. But it is something I have to go through, so I am trying to go though it well.

When I’m feeling stretched like butter scraped over too much bread it’s easy to be irritable. I fear that I am failing here. I don’t like change so I take my struggle out on everyone else instead of praying about it. I’m not perfect, in fact I’m feeling less and less perfect every day. The more you know, the more you realize you don’t know; the further I go on this journey, the further it appears that I have to go.  I want to run this race with endurance. I want to hear God say “Well done good and faithful servant.”, but it’s hard. It’s really hard. So even as I push past what I’ve left behind, even as I push past the things I’ve been working through lately I need to realize that I’m not done. I’m working this thing just a day at a time, because I know I can’t handle any more than that.

I’m not worthy to help anyone else on their journey. I’m imperfect, and unknowlegeable, and unready, but God chooses to use the weak sometimes- a lot of times actually. This is my story, this is my journey right now, take it or leave it, but don’t leave unchanged.

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Categories: My Life | Tags: , , , , , | 1 Comment

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One thought on “Change

  1. This is where you and I are different. I love change. Whenever things start to feel solid and routined, I feel all locked in boxes and panic.

    It’s a bit like pain, I guess. It’s out of our comfort zone. It’s not comfortable. But if you never eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up, right?

    Keep trying, friend!

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