Uphill Climb

There is such a big difference between getting to know more about Jesus, and getting to know Him. It’s so easy to go from “I love You, and I want to know you better.” to a monotone study of Jesus’ character traits all the while seeking something more. It’s the difference between knowing the right thing to do, and doing it. The gap doesn’t sound that big, but it’s huge. Sometimes I think that’s where I am: in the gap. It’s discouraging to not feel God even when your head knows it’s not about feelings- it’s hard to communicate that thought to the heart.

Discipline is good, I know that somewhere in my brain, but my soul says it’s difficult. And sometimes it’s easy to doubt, and question. Is this worth it? Yes. A thousand times yes, but I have to make it past this moment where it seems unnecessary, and impossible. Sometimes I think I do more fighting with myself than other things or people.The journey doesn’t come easy, and sometimes it seems long and unending as I trudge along with no end in sight.

I’m not sugarcoating anything. It’s killing me, but I’m being honest here, so I hope you can relate to the trudging; to wearily fighting an uphill battle when half of you wants to follow gravity’s lead. I’m tired. I’m tired on the inside, and I don’t have all the answers. I don’t possess a perfect ending with every string tied in. I know somewhere within me that this is the best road. I’ve studied the others, and their head knowledge doesn’t even compute. I’ve watched them scorn the giver of life; I’ve watched them blame God for their problems. I don’t want to go that way so I’m following this road slowly, though I falter.

I’ve said it before: I covet your prayers. I love to know where you are on the journey. Don’t let this turn you off; I’m not always so bleak, but I don’t like to play Miss fake perfection here either. “Even though I walk through the shadow I will not fear”…I know, this is nothing. I live a good life. But at the moment I don’t care if I break I just want to feel again. I know, I know- be careful what you wish for.

The End

Categories: My Life, rants | Tags: , , , , , | 2 Comments

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2 thoughts on “Uphill Climb

  1. Yes, playing “Miss fake perfection” is always a bad idea. It is a close releative with Hypocrisy, of which Jesus had nothing good to say. Brokeness and honesty and far better states for the soul.

    You may, perhaps, find some encouragement in reading through the Psalms in a time like this. There are many Psalms (beyond the one you reference) which speak to your struggle. At least, I have found encouragement in doing so.

    If I were to offer one thought from my own experience it would be this: (A) God hears, so always cry out to Him. (B) He answers in His own perfect time and for us this often means we must wait. This can be very difficult. We want hearing to mean we get an answer immediately. But what if you must wait 6 months in your present condition? A year? More? The heart quails at such thoughts–but God teaches us perseverance not by giving us immediate answers, but by teaching us to wait. So take courage, pray, and wait.

    Also, remember, you are not supposed to be strong. Yes, really. As Paul said in 2 Corinthians 12:7-10:

    there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

    I think it is very easy to accept the lie that says we must be strong, and this become a great burden. Day after day as we struggle and we tell ourselves, “I must be strong,” and so set for ourselves a task God has not given us. I constantly do this. But God’s grace is sufficent–not in the presence of our strength, but in our weakness and brokeness. He doesn’t want you to muster up the strength to carry on–He wants you live in a state of brokeness, acknowledging and confessing that you cannot carry on, and resting wholly in His ability to carry you on.

    Weakness isn’t where we want to be, but it is where God wants us to be because then we are resting in the true strength. It’s hard to live out, as I can attest from my own life.


    • I took your advice, and went to the Psalms. The first words hit me like a brick. I won’t say I’m better now, but I will say God’s growing me through silence, and weakness. Thanks (as always) for the advice.

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