There is such a big difference between getting to know more about Jesus, and getting to know Him. It’s so easy to go from “I love You, and I want to know you better.” to a monotone study of Jesus’ character traits all the while seeking something more. It’s the difference between knowing the right thing to do, and doing it. The gap doesn’t sound that big, but it’s huge. Sometimes I think that’s where I am: in the gap. It’s discouraging to not feel God even when your head knows it’s not about feelings- it’s hard to communicate that thought to the heart.
Discipline is good, I know that somewhere in my brain, but my soul says it’s difficult. And sometimes it’s easy to doubt, and question. Is this worth it? Yes. A thousand times yes, but I have to make it past this moment where it seems unnecessary, and impossible. Sometimes I think I do more fighting with myself than other things or people.The journey doesn’t come easy, and sometimes it seems long and unending as I trudge along with no end in sight.
I’m not sugarcoating anything. It’s killing me, but I’m being honest here, so I hope you can relate to the trudging; to wearily fighting an uphill battle when half of you wants to follow gravity’s lead. I’m tired. I’m tired on the inside, and I don’t have all the answers. I don’t possess a perfect ending with every string tied in. I know somewhere within me that this is the best road. I’ve studied the others, and their head knowledge doesn’t even compute. I’ve watched them scorn the giver of life; I’ve watched them blame God for their problems. I don’t want to go that way so I’m following this road slowly, though I falter.
I’ve said it before: I covet your prayers. I love to know where you are on the journey. Don’t let this turn you off; I’m not always so bleak, but I don’t like to play Miss fake perfection here either. “Even though I walk through the shadow I will not fear”…I know, this is nothing. I live a good life. But at the moment I don’t care if I break I just want to feel again. I know, I know- be careful what you wish for.