And life returns: battles with procrastination and selfishness (small mountains in the scope of things, but they loom unconquerable from the bottom.) Days of ‘meaningless, meaningless’ come again. At least, meaningless on the grand scale; meaningless without God. I am left with little time for pondering; with a great deal of busyness, and the second guessing of actions and motives.It’s rather Ecclesiastically depressing when examined too closely. Yay for the new year. Yep.
I want to make a difference, be the change, and all that jazz, but sometimes I don’t feel like I’m getting anywhere. Changing the world one life at a time is a nice slogan, but not very fun when being lived out. It’s more like one small action, or opportunity at a time- it sure doesn’t feel like changing the world. But I trudge on because I can’t walk out on my own story, and I fulfill expectations half out of obligation, and half habit, maybe sometimes with a little spark of hope that I might be changing something for somebody..
Yes, this is the depressing post when I look back on what feels like a squandered year, and predict little change for the next even though I know there have been little changes over the last one that have made me a better person. People can never be good anyways. I’m sorry if the post has brought you low. though I suppose we can’t be in the clouds all the time. I feel like I haven’t written very many happy things on here lately, but I’m not going to lie about the journey. Life’s not just pretty flowers, and pinterest inspiration, though I guess we’re all good at faking it.
There won’t be peace on this earth, but we’re pretty good at hiding violence under the ever-heightening rug, and only letting it escape into our safe cocoon occasionally. People fight to keep this safety. Lives given are underappreciated. Maybe we need to be shaken up a little. There’s one thing that really matters, but that seems so easy to forget between schedules and self-reliance. There is only one hope.
Happiness isn’t everything. I will not wish you a happy 2013, but I will wish you a good one filled with hope, growth, and at least some jubilation. Share the hope of not being stuck in this place of darkness forever even if it seems futile-only one action at a time. Don’t forget to seek the truth, and go to God so you will have a light to share. It’s a new year and time is short so use it wisely. I am persevering in this fight despite all my rants, frustrations, and complacency, and I hope you will too-even when it hits you unexpectedly. Somewhere within please know this fight is worth it, and leaning on God find grace, and strength to carry on.