There are these two things I’ve been wrestling with…things that I need to find answers to, or at least to learn to be content without having the answers to. Two things that I was going to base this blog post on as I exposed my struggles to the world. These are subjects that I’ve mentioned here before briefly, yet never delved into. But, instead of focusing on that today, I’m going to focus on the need. In some ways I am not a very contented person. I am always wondering, wishing, and seeking more because there is always more to seek: another wall to scale, another door to try, another something that I want to know. And sometimes there are things that I’m not just curious about, but things that I need to know deep in my soul in order to be ok. In order to keep fully believing this doubting Thomas asks God to prove Himself again, and although never in the same way, He always does.
These needs strike deep. They’re important. I feel that I must to know these things; they’re a part of me. This time it’s women in God’s eyes. What does God say? What does man say? I know that I don’t believe in a God who devalues, and suppresses the gifts of women. God’s word is being misquoted against women-that’s what I believe, but I need to prove it. And so I am doing research. This book, and this book have helped me on my way. Prayer, deep thought, hope…I’ve been trying to make time for these things because I need to know what my Savior says. The other struggle is harder to put a name to. I could say whether or not I believe in works based religion, but that wouldn’t be accurate because I know I don’t. It’s more like trying to find the line between faith without works is dead, and grace covers all without making it all about my works, or the extreme opposite: making works unnecessary. Guilt is good, but falsely placed guilt can be detrimental. I can’t be perfect.
I said this post wouldn’t be about those struggles particularly. It’s not because last night something in a passage that I’ve read multiple times recently hit me with new meaning, and although it didn’t entirely satisfy my needs (and I will still be searching) it reminded me that there is more than this. I know that, of course. There is more than fulfilling this need to the journey, but sometimes the need becomes obsessive. The verse that hit me is the ending of the very last verse of Ephesians one. It’s talking about the power God vested in Jesus, and it says “…the fullness of Him who fills all in all.” All in all. That reminder that God is enough, and He is to be my all in all even when I don’t know the answers. The reminder that although faith is a tricky substance, it is real, and it needs to be acted upon even when I’m questioning, and even when I don’t understand.
So despite the need to understand, I will continue to step out on faith. I will say, as the father in Mark “I do believe, help me overcome my unbelief!” Trust, vulnerability, risk… these are all things necessary to successful relationships. Why should the biggest relationship be any different? This curiosity to gain fuller understanding is both a blessing, and a curse. Sometimes it keeps me trying in my own strength when I should be leaning on the everlasting arms. It’s easier to be independent; to trust in myself, and my box of answers. It’s fuller, and more amazing to trust in the Father, and let Him be enough as the all in all. It’s another balance I need to work on: the one between faith, and comprehension. I still have so far to go. There is always another door in my heart to give to God, and another door of His person to explore, and enjoy. He fulfills all of my needs now and always.