Backsliding

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAAnd I wonder if I’m reverting. Between the rereading journal entries from a couple of years ago the other night, and the book Nastya reccomended…Have I lost a childlike faith? Am I shrinking instead of growing or is it just the lack of emotion these days? Is this guilt Holy Spirit conviction, or Enemy oppression? It’s not like I’m not trying, but am I missing something crucial? I’m leaning towards the belief that this is Holy Spirit conviction, and the loss of a childlike faith.

Not that I have no faith mind you. These blog posts have not been lies. I don’t know how to explain it…When  intimacy with, and excitement over God go out the window there are long hard nights. When did I lose that; where did I go wrong? Did I go wrong? And most importantly: How do I get that closeness back? The questions crowd each other for room in my heart. I miss the old times. Is there something I have to surrender, or is this just one of those times when God seems hard to get? If so, then why does my whole life seem like seem like it’s made up of those times lately? I don’t know why I’m sharing these questions with you. Maybe you have the answers, or, more likely, you are asking too.

I used to have the gift of intercession. I would stay up at night passionately praying. I never understood why people had problems with praying. Praying in front of people? Yes, that’s too easy to turn into a show. But just pouring your heart out to God, and feeling His love? What’s hard about that? I used to have a deep yearning for Heaven. I eagerly longed for my Forever Home with great anticipation. I didn’t want to wait. Where these things have gone I cannot say. I caught a glimpse of the Heaven yearning the other day. I wish it would come back for good.

I still read my Bible, and I still pray. Maybe not the same as I used to, but I still do those things. The song says it’s when you stop doing those things that you shrink. But things seem empty now. I’m beginning to wonder if it’s because I’ve lost the kind of  prayer discussed in the link above, and the worship in the link below. I still believe. I cannot deny God and what He has done. I do more than just believe. I try to worship, and I try to act like His child. But it’s not the same anymore. I used to breathe prayer. I made it a habit. Where did I go wrong? How do I get that real devotion back. Am I reverting?

*As a side note here. I don’t think that belief is solely based on feelings. I am trying to get back to where I was, and seek deeper things. I don’t want anyone to lose faith because of this post. What’s happening here is just one step on the journey, and the feelings of one time. God is good all the time, even when I don’t feel Him.*

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Categories: My Life, Ponderings | Tags: , , , , , , , | 10 Comments

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10 thoughts on “Backsliding

  1. Nastya Andreyevna

    ASKING TOO! As always.

    I’ve been in this place for a long time. I think…and I don’t know anything for sure…that this is just part of the long road. Some parts are full of the Wonder, and some parts feel empty. And sometimes we lose focus and suddenly we look back and realize that we’re missing something. I think that’s just a human cycle. It’s okay to be discouraged and concerned, that is what draws us back to what we really want.

    In church the other day, someone sang the Gaither song “I Believe, Help Thou My Unbelief”. And the lyrics really hit me:

    I believe, help thou my unbelief
    I take the finite risk of trusting as a child
    I believe, help thou my unbelief
    I walk into the unknown trusting all the while
    I long so much to feel the warmth that others seem to know
    But if I never feel a thing, I claim it even so.
    I believe, help thou my unbelief
    I walk into the unknown trusting all the while

    I think that attitude will help you weather almost anything.

    • Yes, somewhere, somehow I know it’s a human cycle. I just get so frustrated at myself sometimes. But I can’t say this enough: its SO good to know I’m not alone.

      Oh, I love music. Thank you. Those words have really helped me this week.

      Haha, I shall read it as soon as I finish Captivating, because I ironically just got it free from this amazing college called Gutenberg in Oregon. I tell you, any college that gives you a free book and a handwritten note for looking into them, well, let’s just say they fascinate me. Also, I will reply to your e-mail as soon as I finish Captivating. I’m about two chapters away from being done, so hopefully that will be sometime this week. I didn’t want to not do it justice by not reading the whole thing before telling you what I thought. But, I will say here that it’s soooo much better than all of the boring, useless self help books out there.

  2. Nastya Andreyevna

    Also, if you have any interest at all in the book of Job, you need to read Till We Have Faces by C.S. Lewis AS SOON as you can! I cannot recommend that book enough.

    • I second the recommendation of ‘Til We Have Faces.’ I can’t say I ever thought of it in terms of the book of Job before (I can see why you say that though). In my opinion it is the best peice of fiction written by Lewis.

      • Ya’ll are making me anxiose to get into that book. I just got it in the mail today, so as soon as I finish the other book (Captivating) I shall delve into it. I’ve read some of Lewises (sp?) other fiction: The Great Divorce , and of course The Chronicles of Narnia so I’ll be interested to see how it measuers up.

  3. I believe we are most excited about God and alive in His presence when we feel like we have a vision, our own personal mission. Did you have a vision? And have you lost it? Perhaps you are between visions? (Just a thought.)

    • I think you’ve hit on something here. Someone said something to me the other day about my vision to reach my peers, and I feel like my face went kind of blank. Somewhere that’s still here, but not as much as it was. I need to get it back.

      Also, please accept my sincere apology for not yet having replied to what you said on your blog in response to my comment. I have read over your response several times, and even started to respond, but (obviosely) response hasn’t happened yet. I do plan to respond as soon as I can.

      • I’m just glad to know you saw it. Also, our vision is usually connected in some way to something we have a passion for, which is also usually connected to a gifting in our life. God gave each of us certain gifts to be used to accomplish certain things. He fulfills us at the same time we are trying to help others as we flow in our giftings. You’re young and have so much to look forward to. Enjoy the journey!

  4. Pingback: Prose Poetry | Journaling a Journey...

  5. The mere fact that you are questioning an caring is positive. I’ll be praying for you.

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