And I wonder if I’m reverting. Between the rereading journal entries from a couple of years ago the other night, and the book Nastya reccomended…Have I lost a childlike faith? Am I shrinking instead of growing or is it just the lack of emotion these days? Is this guilt Holy Spirit conviction, or Enemy oppression? It’s not like I’m not trying, but am I missing something crucial? I’m leaning towards the belief that this is Holy Spirit conviction, and the loss of a childlike faith.
Not that I have no faith mind you. These blog posts have not been lies. I don’t know how to explain it…When intimacy with, and excitement over God go out the window there are long hard nights. When did I lose that; where did I go wrong? Did I go wrong? And most importantly: How do I get that closeness back? The questions crowd each other for room in my heart. I miss the old times. Is there something I have to surrender, or is this just one of those times when God seems hard to get? If so, then why does my whole life seem like seem like it’s made up of those times lately? I don’t know why I’m sharing these questions with you. Maybe you have the answers, or, more likely, you are asking too.
I used to have the gift of intercession. I would stay up at night passionately praying. I never understood why people had problems with praying. Praying in front of people? Yes, that’s too easy to turn into a show. But just pouring your heart out to God, and feeling His love? What’s hard about that? I used to have a deep yearning for Heaven. I eagerly longed for my Forever Home with great anticipation. I didn’t want to wait. Where these things have gone I cannot say. I caught a glimpse of the Heaven yearning the other day. I wish it would come back for good.
I still read my Bible, and I still pray. Maybe not the same as I used to, but I still do those things. The song says it’s when you stop doing those things that you shrink. But things seem empty now. I’m beginning to wonder if it’s because I’ve lost the kind of prayer discussed in the link above, and the worship in the link below. I still believe. I cannot deny God and what He has done. I do more than just believe. I try to worship, and I try to act like His child. But it’s not the same anymore. I used to breathe prayer. I made it a habit. Where did I go wrong? How do I get that real devotion back. Am I reverting?
*As a side note here. I don’t think that belief is solely based on feelings. I am trying to get back to where I was, and seek deeper things. I don’t want anyone to lose faith because of this post. What’s happening here is just one step on the journey, and the feelings of one time. God is good all the time, even when I don’t feel Him.*