I’ve really struggled with what to write about this week. I settled on this, a demonstration of scattered thought, and groping mind. It is not cohesive, but hopefully it is comprehensible. And yet, hopefully it is not, for who can take God and reveal Him as understandable? This follows the waves of my brain as they have left their marks on paper.
Passion and emotions ebb and flow. God is good always- even when I don’t understand. I think about how little I know of God, though my pride would have me believe that I know much. It is like the song which has washed in and out of my brain lately in cycles: “Where have I even stood, but the shore along Your [God’s] ocean?” I know so little, and yet strength is made perfect in weakness. Yet when I am unfaithful He remains faithful, for He cannot deny Himself.
I deserve nothing but Hell. I have been saved, and yet I am ungratefully unsatisfied. I look at the empty meaninglessness around me numbly. I care, but I hate that I don’t hurt anymore. The lost are important to me, but importance seems nullified by my being void of emotion. When will this valley end? I must believe that it will end. I’ve been second guessing my motivations lately. Second guessing my motivations and actions; dwelling on scenarios, and should haves. I know it’s not healthy.
Maybe this post is cycling, and moving like some crazy tide- like my life- hopefully it makes some sense. Hope…hope has pulled me though much. God makes the nonsensical endurable even when I can’t see Him. Sight versus faith: you can’t combine them. We walk by faith, and not by sight, and sometimes that’s hard, actually, it’s hard most of the time. You can’t simplify the Christian walk; you can’t catch God and make Him understandable. You can’t make life in a fallen world all better. Yet I will trudge on relying on faith, hope, and…music.
Yes, music. There is something about music that sustains the soul. With these, and a great incomprehensible God who has inexplicably chosen to love and save me I shall face the crazy world. I shall endure until that brilliant someday when I will wade in the crystal sea, and begin to explore the immeasurable endless depths of who God is, and who I need to be in relation to that. Maybe then I will feel as well as know God, as the fog placed by the Enemy is lifted. All things begin, and end with God, and all thought regarding Him should end with talk of the brilliant someday when we will finally see His face. So this post shall end here, but the thinking shall continue, as my finite self tries to grasp my infinite Creator Lover Savior. Our God is awesome, and deserves our praise!