“I am not a bold man even though I want to be OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA
I am just a dreamer with a timid history 
Scared of confrontations I fume all through the night 
the world has it’s hold on me and I just want to fly 
The sky, the sky is open wide 
but I can’t fly ’til I step aside .”            

~Rest Easy, by Audio Adrenaline            

That’s my week in a nutshell. I’ve discovered another cycle, another stupid tendency of mine. I keep shoving Jesus out of the pilot’s seat of my life. I keep leaning on works, and forgetting about grace. I want to fly. I want to fly bad. I have dreams (or maybe they’re delusions) of grandeur, but I get in the way over and over and over again. I’m not good at surrender- I want to put my sticky little fingers on everything. I’m not good at accepting grace. It’s so simple, but I can still manage to mess it up. I know, I need to stop beating myself up on here. I’m not usually like this.

Easter is my favorite holiday. I love the message of grace. Yet it’s so much easier in theory…just like everything else.  I would like to say that I’m letting go. I would like to say that after realizing this fault I’ve corrected it. I would like to say that I’m back on course now. But I’m not, instead, I’m still fighting myself. I will not let the old nature back in. Jesus will win this one, but it’s not gonna be an easy painless journey. I know that I cannot fly until I step aside. I have to stop limiting God, and trying to convince myself that I can earn grace. Old habits are hard to break. Eventually I’ve got to get sick enough of these cycles to break out of them, right? I want to fly. I remember what that felt like, and I want that again.

It’s easier to live in denial than to live out loud. It’s easier to display my accomplishments than my faults. Vulnerability isn’t easy, but it is worth it. People don’t empathize with a made up Miss Perfect. Our humanness is what unites us. We’re all stuck in the same boat with a choice of surrender to make. Maybe I’m not the only one who knows what’s right, but struggles to put it into practice. Maybe my putting reality out there will help someone else.

Categories: My Life, Ponderings, rants | Tags: , , , , , , | 6 Comments

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6 thoughts on “Surrender

  1. Karen

    I’m reminded of the G.K. Chesterton quote “angles can fly because they take themselves lightly.”

  2. I think the idea behind The song you quote may be (at least tangentially) related to the idea behind my “Lie of Bravery” post a while back.

    On an aside note, I finished “In High Places” on Sunday and I am now working on Heaven’s Wager. My thinking right now is to finish all three and give you a combined review or something 🙂

    • Hmm, that helps explain what you were saying for me. Good point!

      My curiosity is killing me right now. Can’t wait for your review…a combined review is a good idea as all the books are kind of similar in nature.

  3. Some of us are Peters, and some of us are more like John. Best thing to do is be faithful and let God worry about the volume. With God’s help sometimes a whisper is louder than a roar. Your last two articles are great reading back to back.

    • I think you are right- a lot just depends on personality weather we’re Peters or Johns.

      You have a good point with the whisper is louder than a roar thing. So many times people have said things to me, which they don’t remember in a month, but which have meant so much as to stick with me for years.

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