“I am not a bold man even though I want to be
I am just a dreamer with a timid history
Scared of confrontations I fume all through the night
the world has it’s hold on me and I just want to fly
The sky, the sky is open wide
but I can’t fly ’til I step aside .”
~Rest Easy, by Audio Adrenaline
That’s my week in a nutshell. I’ve discovered another cycle, another stupid tendency of mine. I keep shoving Jesus out of the pilot’s seat of my life. I keep leaning on works, and forgetting about grace. I want to fly. I want to fly bad. I have dreams (or maybe they’re delusions) of grandeur, but I get in the way over and over and over again. I’m not good at surrender- I want to put my sticky little fingers on everything. I’m not good at accepting grace. It’s so simple, but I can still manage to mess it up. I know, I need to stop beating myself up on here. I’m not usually like this.
Easter is my favorite holiday. I love the message of grace. Yet it’s so much easier in theory…just like everything else. I would like to say that I’m letting go. I would like to say that after realizing this fault I’ve corrected it. I would like to say that I’m back on course now. But I’m not, instead, I’m still fighting myself. I will not let the old nature back in. Jesus will win this one, but it’s not gonna be an easy painless journey. I know that I cannot fly until I step aside. I have to stop limiting God, and trying to convince myself that I can earn grace. Old habits are hard to break. Eventually I’ve got to get sick enough of these cycles to break out of them, right? I want to fly. I remember what that felt like, and I want that again.
It’s easier to live in denial than to live out loud. It’s easier to display my accomplishments than my faults. Vulnerability isn’t easy, but it is worth it. People don’t empathize with a made up Miss Perfect. Our humanness is what unites us. We’re all stuck in the same boat with a choice of surrender to make. Maybe I’m not the only one who knows what’s right, but struggles to put it into practice. Maybe my putting reality out there will help someone else.