Moment of Truth

Life stopped again in a hallway, the hallway. OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAAs I walked through the temporarily empty school corridor I realized again how much I love them. These people mean the world to me. I realized again that time is running short-temporarily and forever-but somehow my failures to act in the moment didn’t sting as much this time. Those moments of fullness don’t last, but their truth remains: I love and care for these people, I am deeply connected to them, and I’m running out of time.

The truth comes in little moments, and small traditions. There’s a boy on the bus that I swap candy with. He’ll give me a piece of gum (or some such thing) and keep one for himself, and a few days later I’ll give him a jolly rancher, or the like, and either have mine, or give it away also. He’s about twelve; we don’t talk much, but we share something much deeper than sugar. One day, after I had had an especially hard day he was eating a Daffins chocolate bar, and I (half serious, not really expecting anything) said I’d had a bad day and asked if he would break me off a section. We bantered back and forth a bit, then I went back into my own world, only to find, moments later, a section of chocolate bar in my peripheral vision. I couldn’t stop thanking him, though he pretty much remained mute. My day got better, but it wasn’t just because of the chocolate.

It isn’t always that simple, of course. They’re not all that easy to love. I find myself gravitating to the rough ones, the transparent ones. Yes, they’re far from perfect, but at least they don’t pretend to be. I struggle with the preppy “Christians” living their lies. I struggle with whether my preferences are Christ like or not. He didn’t like fakers either. I struggle with the balance between standing up for yourself and others and turning the other cheek. I wonder if they know I love them, that I appreciate them. If I thanked some of them I know it would freak them out.

Internally I embrace them. In Stargirl’s words I want to “Take from the day…[and] give to the night.”, to take from God’s fullness of glorious light and give it  to them in the dark. So, I’ve been praying for them a lot today-them and other people-anyone who comes to mind really. It’s been a meditative day. It’s been an interesting week. Each day God brings new surprises, some good, some scary. Sometimes days are what you make them; sometimes days are just what they are. I wonder what the summer will bring.

In so many ways I just want to stay here in the swing of things with the people, the ups and downs, and the love (compassionate, imperfect, messy love), but  that is not meant to be. As Ananias Nin said in the quote I’m planning to hang on my locker: “Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.” I do not want to die that kind of death so I will keep moving, if reluctantly, towards the new people and stories that the future holds  treasuring moments of fullness, pain, love, and joy along the way.

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Categories: My Life, Ponderings | Tags: , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

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6 thoughts on “Moment of Truth

  1. Lin Turner

    Love your awareness and angst, truthfullness and transparency. Like Roger Miller once said, ” Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.”

    • Thank you.

      I’m guilty of just getting wet sometimes too! But this is an are that’s rather close to my heart, so I tend to walk in the rain. Excellent quote by the way.

  2. Yes, they’re far from perfect, but at least they don’t pretend to be. I struggle with the preppy ‘Christians’ living their lies. I struggle with whether my preferences are Christ like or not. He didn’t like fakers either.” I share your feelings on this so I am probably not a good person to offer an objective opinion. My (non-objective) opinion is that so long as we are talking about people living in the fakery of hypocrisy then yes, Jesus went to those who knew they were blind not those who thought they could see.

    But I do think we both need to be careful to watch our attitudes. There is a danger of finding oneself comfortable around unbelievers because you can easily feel superior in life and conduct–and just telling oneself that you like the raw honesty when what you like is the freedom from contending with falsity. There is the danger of avoiding preppy Christians because they annoy, and because you or I don’t want to be judged by them, or feel their hostility for telling them truths they don’t want to hear in their comfortable preppy lives. There are people who are hiding behind fakery who need someone bold enough to speak the truth, to shatter their mask and bring them into the rawness of honesty and integrity.

    I think your analysis of the “Christian” group as a whole is accurate, and one I share. I just think both of us need to be careful to see the individuals as individuals and not use the broad brush to relieve ourselves of the responsibility to actually stop and “see” those we meet in life. For 99 people what you say is true. Just remember to keep your eyes open for the one whom God would have you touch, so to speak.

    Jesus didn’t go to the Pharisees (the ‘righteous’), but some did come to him. Paul first went to the Jews, his own kind, and they by and large violently rejected him. Some insight could be drawn from both examples.

    • I’m glad I’m not the only ones with this feeling. Your thoughtful response sheds much light.

      Yes, it is easy to feel comfortable and unchallenged among the overly unorthodox. Although, it also has challenges all it’s own. And yes, YES, lets see individuals as individuals. You probably know that’s a passion of mine, and if you didn’t you do now.

      As I said, this sheds much light. Thank you. I will keep these things in mind in the future.

  3. The river of life keeps flowing. Time keeps flowing. Always forward, never backwards. We always “journey”, whether we want to, or not. Whether it “feels” like it, or not. It is an interesting situation, is it not?

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