I can’t force wonder. That is the conclusion that came to me today as I struggled again with a certain dullness that has permeated my life lately. I blew dandelion seeds and thought about writing here about wonder and child likeness versus stagnation and immaturity. I read a book on the slumber of Christianity and how we’ve lost our hope. But as much as I would like to say I have an easy fix I cannot because I will not lie. Instead I will trade being and example for being honest And I will say: “The truth is I can’t force wonder.”
I can yearn for and strive to attain wonder; I can covet it and envy those who have it, but I can’t make myself excited and joyful about anything. From nature to the Good News…those same old things fall upon dimmed eyes and unhearing ears. There is nothing new under the sun. Even when I believe something to be exciting and earth shattering I can’t force my heart to leap at it. I don’t know the cure either. How do I become truly excited about those things that mean the most to me? How do I summon joy and happiness when I really should be feeling them? I can’t fake life, or at least I won’t, though I wish I did wonder at the world.
So I pray, and I hope with a stubborn hope that is void of emotion. I get frustrated, but I carry on hoping and pleading for a breath of fresh air. I know that what I believe is true, and I trust it wholeheartedly. It’s a sad day when truth no longer stirs a heart. Am I the only one? I need to know, do you have a cure? I have searched desperately, and please don’t say this is just a phase. I’ve been saying that for too long, and I don’t believe it anymore. The is not just a phase of monotony–it’s lasted too long to be just that. But there must be some escape.
I know, I know… I’m just another stupid fool asking the internet to solve my problems. As if! I do believe in God.. I believe He gives us enough. I believe those words “…life, and life abundantly…” . But I also believe that I can’t force the wonder. So, that’s where I am right now. I shall ask you again not to let this hold you back–I also believe that God is the best thing that ever happened to me–my walk with God is not about emotion. But, this is where I am right now. Maybe it is a phase (watch me contradict myself), God does allow valleys. Maybe they’re easy to talk about but never seem as long and deep as when you are going through them.