If you’ve read this blog for very long at all you probably have a good idea of my identity. I’m the rebel child, equal parts stubborn and inquisitive. The scrapper tom-girl who loves adventures. I like beauty too, just the weathered kind. But there’s something on the matter of my identity that I’m struggling with. Last night I tried and failed to summarize it; this morning I came across this which, though it is different from my story, comes close to capturing what I was aiming for. That word, survivor. It’s not too far off. The Eye of the Tiger does up my heart rate. But let me see if I can focus the problem closer. I want to be strong and tough, and a touch sassy. I reach for “a force to be reckoned with”, and I like the idea of being the loner girl who follows through on her threats. But that’s not Biblical, is it?
There lies the problem. I know, I know, you can be stubborn for the right reasons, and you can rebel against wrong. In fact, I do use those traits to that end, but not always. Not even usually. That is not to say that I am the girl I described above. I’ve realized lately how few people take me seriously, and how many see me as the ‘good girl’, which, if I’m honest, is not who I want to be. But what is and what I wish was is not relevant because we all know that thoughts can be sin, and that persona isn’t even in line with the Bible for guys, let alone girls.
“So”, you say, “easy fix, just change your aim.” But it’s not that simple. See, this is where my stubborn side kicks in. As I said I don’t want to be the good girl, and I’m wrestling with that. Because as much as I don’t want to be the good girl I do want to follow God. I do want to be able to be used for His purposes. I love God, and I want to please Him. Love, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, self control…a number of the fruit of the Spirit are not in my goal. It hurts. I don’t want to be torn down so God can rebuild something wonderful. I like my mental image of myself. Do you know how hard it is to say “Your will be done…Not your will but thine”? So that’s where I am right now. There’s the honest, vulnerable picture folks. My question is, where are you?