Am I the only one who questions the motives and truth of their Christianity constantly? Not that I don’t believe I’m saved, and not that I even necessarily question my love for God. It’s just, well, you’ve probably heard me say it. Did I respond the right way? Did I fail Jesus? Sure, He can work without me, but am I allowing Him to work through me? Do I know God intimately? Why do I keep disobeying?
I’m not perfect. Jesus love is not conditional. Those are the two refutations I tell myself. See, as usual I know the answers…in my head. But that doesn’t stop me from feeling guilty, not at all. One thing I’ve found: guilt and joy don’t mix. So I beat myself up because I want to live for God. And, you know all my discussion about teachers lately? Well, even after the good teachers I feel guilty. The list of thou shalts and thou shalt nots grows longer as we examine each verse deeper, and I am responsible for disobeying when I know the rules.
Maybe I shouldn’t examine situations too hard. It’s the motives that count, right? But the truth is, I question the godliness of my motives too. Maybe you’ll say “Christ’s blood covers all.” I know that, and I believe it to be true. But I don’t want to disappoint Him again. Every one knows guilt based relationships aren’t healthy, me included. But I can’t stop. Every book, every verse, every sermon makes me question more. It hurts. I see the joy in the new Christians’ eyes, and I envy them. I used to have that. I didn’t used to question what it meant to be a Christian. It used to be so simple.
One thing I know, Christianity isn’t supposed to be like this. It isn’t supposed to be oppression by questions, and it definitely isn’t supposed to be a struggle to be good enough. Am I doing hard things? Am I a follower or a fan? These are good movements, but when I have (or even feel vaguely as if I might have) the wrong answers to those questions the cloud of disappointment haunts me. I know I can’t change those answers by myself. I know I’m supposed to lean on Jesus, but that’s easier said than done. See why I feel unfit to minister?
I know the truth, but I want to really know the truth. I want to know it fully enough that it sets me free. Head and heart knowledge differ vastly. I want to know truth in my heart. I want to feel joy again. So, I’ll selfishly (Sigh, I’m examining motives again.) ask you to pray for me. I feel like I’m suffocating in disappointment and failure, and I want to breath the fresh air of redemption.