I wish that there was a sign at this overwhelming and confusing crossroads (even a little sign like the balloons people put out for graduation parties) that indicated ‘future this way!’ Then I wouldn’t have to stand here dazed, trying to see and consider each option on the road onward into what often seems like a dark and terrible forest. Sometimes it seems like a chasm, and sometimes it looks surreal with pop art colors as if it were from a make-believe world. But mostly it seems scary and unknowable just like the words… ‘Future’ is too vast to mean much, but ‘my future’ is another matter. I don’t like deadlines, decisions, and prying eyes. Didn’t God get the memo? I’m directionally challenged.
I wish there was someone to stand with me here. Then we could scream, and cry, and rant about the unfairness of it together. But as it is the only human companions I have are the ones with cattle prods who want to know my decision now. ‘Pick or else your life will be ruined.’ ‘You’re already years behind the others your age.’ Or at least that’s how things seem from my perspective. They all claim to be well meaning and un-menacing; I’m not so sure.
I wish there was a way to know whether each road truly goes forward. I have no way to see which ones double back. Sometimes it feels as if the one I’ve been on has done that. Often I see no progress. It’s not like most of those exciting future-inspiring books make it out to be. (Does anyone else find themselves stuck reading those?) Do Hard Things sounds downright thrilling until I learn that the only hard things I’m doing now are the little ones that seem insignificant and often go unnoticed. Oh the Places You’ll Go makes mention of dark times, but you wouldn’t know that to look at the colorful cover. That’s what everyone is asking me to do — to judge books by their covers — when what I really want to do is sit down with a cup of hot chocolate, read each future thoroughly, and then (maybe) decide.
I wish this could be learned, not just experienced. As much as I hate instruction manuals I would take one about now. At least then I would have the assurance of knowing where I am supposed to be. One of the injured victims of the Boston Marathon said she had that now, and I envied her. I know, I know, I have the Bible. But honestly that isn’t very detailed. I’ve yet to have a Divine revelation over a passage to point me forward, and I’m running out of patience. I’ve watched so many other birds jump out of the nest and fly. I’ve always hated going last.
Phooey on indecision, waiting, and confusingness . Everyone must go through this, so that means it’s possible, right? I need reassurance ’cause at the moment I’m not so sure.