And I judge the fake, and the trite, and the pointless chatterers, but I can pull off fake just as well as the next girl. And it’s weird how a schedule can make life seem even more pointless. And it’s scary being desperate for some words to finally reach my heart as I try to hold onto the commitment I thought I would never let go. Yeah, that’s where I am right now. I am living days, dreading the looming future, and regretting not living well this last chance, though I try. I’m cramming actions into days — actions, and words, and expressions — and holding out for the numbness to go away. I’m still taking time to seek God’s presence, but I can’t find it. The pressures and prior commitments come.
It feels like a losing battle. If I stay up late to try to figure out life (like tonight) I end up sleep deprived, like I’m running on less than nothing. I will probably crash and burn eventually, but it wasn’t much better in the lazy summer months, so there is little else to do. Keep going, keep fighting on less and less hope. I have always been stubborn as a fighter. I don’t give up ’til I’m clearly beat, and then some. But that day may be coming. This really is a happy post, isn’t it?
Well, at least I’m being honest even though honest is complicated, and will quite possibly be met with advice. Trust me I’ve heard it all: college advice, dating advice, passing the tests advice. It’s all conflicting, so I’ve started to ignore it now. But then, I like to know that people are still reading, even though my hectic schedule hasn’t lent itself to much posting these past weeks. So, comment, just don’t leave advice. Or do if you have answers. Right now I’d like to hear them.
Welcome to my brain… this confused paradoxical mess. Don’t worry, I’ll end this soon so you can go back to your own less disconnected sphere of thought. (Or maybe you aren’t more together, and I’m just having a pity party.) I just thought I would let you in, and at the same time record a little bit of now, so I can look back and laugh at my insanity, preferably someday soon, like next month; probably someday far away like two years. Hope doesn’t seem to be my strong point like now; neither does acting like I believe wholly in God’s grace. When I get time I’d like to refocus on grace. Time…it’s almost midnight which means I had better end this now. Maybe the time can be my excuse for the choppiness of this post…