OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAAnd I judge the fake, and the trite, and the pointless chatterers, but I can pull off fake just as well as the next girl. And it’s weird how a schedule can make life seem even more pointless. And it’s scary being desperate for some words to finally reach my heart as I try to hold onto the commitment I thought I would never let go.  Yeah, that’s where I am right now.  I am living days, dreading the looming future, and regretting not living well this last chance, though I try. I’m cramming actions into days — actions, and words, and expressions — and holding out for the numbness to go away. I’m still taking time to seek God’s presence, but I can’t find it. The pressures and prior commitments come.

It feels like a losing battle. If I stay up late to try to figure out life (like tonight) I end up sleep deprived, like I’m running on less than nothing. I will probably crash and burn eventually, but it wasn’t much better in the lazy summer months, so there is little else to do. Keep going, keep fighting on less and less hope. I have always been stubborn as a fighter. I don’t give up ’til I’m clearly beat, and then some. But that day may be coming. This really is a happy post, isn’t it?

Well, at least I’m being honest even though honest is complicated, and will quite possibly be met with advice. Trust me I’ve heard it all: college advice, dating advice, passing the tests advice. It’s all conflicting, so I’ve started to ignore it now. But then, I like to know that people are still reading, even though my hectic schedule hasn’t lent itself to much posting these past weeks. So,  comment, just don’t leave advice. Or do if you have answers. Right now I’d like to hear them.

Welcome to my brain… this confused paradoxical mess. Don’t worry, I’ll end this soon so you can go back to your own less disconnected sphere of thought. (Or maybe you aren’t more together, and I’m just having a pity party.) I just thought I would let you in, and at the same time record a little bit of now, so I can look back and laugh at my insanity, preferably someday soon, like next month; probably someday far away like two years. Hope doesn’t seem to be my strong point like now; neither does acting like I believe wholly in God’s grace.  When I get time I’d like to refocus on grace. Time…it’s almost midnight which means I had better end this now. Maybe the time can be my excuse for the choppiness of this post…

Categories: Ponderings, rants | Tags: , , , , , , | 4 Comments

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4 thoughts on “Now

  1. I have a friend who always tells me “there’s no such thing as a unique feeling,” and every time I read one of your posts, I know what she means–it could have been written by me. Not necessarily at this time in my life, but so much of me hears it and says, “yup, I know exactly what you’re talking about!”

    I don’t really have any advice, in terms of the giving the answers kind of advice. All I have are the thoughts that come unbidden and get stuck in my head, and maybe it will help you to ponder them the same way I do (and maybe it won’t). Lately, it’s been this:

    Everyone talks about how every person has a “God-shaped hole” — an emptiness inside that only God can fill. But I feel like lately God’s been prodding me to think about the hole in history and eternity that’s shaped like me. Because I wasn’t an accident that He’s cramming in somewhere and trying to “make work.” His plan, since the very foundation of the world, has had a hole in it that looks like me–my life, my struggles, my random smiles to strangers, my late night ponderings, my personality–all of it. And it meshes perfectly with the rest of His plan, His creation, the history He’s created–because they weren’t designed independently of each other. The creation He set out to create is not complete without me, because we were designed together as a whole. My life is not insignificant; it is the precise thing He created for precisely this time in history, to mesh with precisely these people.

    No matter how much I feel like I’m not fitting into my life or my life isn’t fitting into me, where i am is an integral part of the massive and wondrous works of the Almighty. That doesn’t make any more sense out of the test-taking or dating advice, but somehow I guess I do find it comforting that God, at least, isn’t confused or overwhelmed, and that it all makes sense to Him.

    • I’ve never heard that before (“there’s no such thing as a unique feeling”), but it certainly holds true in reverse when I look at my life through your blog.

      Your ramblings on the hole in history that God has created is very inspiring, and interesting, and thought provoking, and lovely. Thank you for the encouragement!

    • Sometimes songs carry us through when words are not enough. The knowledge that He is holding me even when I can’t feel Him is a comfort. Thank you, my friend.

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