She spoke of when she wrestled with this in past tense. She spoke of coming to terms.But I don’t know if I can ever come to terms with a Romans 9 God who chooses, as it seems, on a whim. “I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy.” Justice I can deal with– a God who lets you get what you deserve. Then, even everyone going to Hell is logical and acceptable.
But creating a solution, a hope, a way to salvation, and not offering it to all? That I am against. I love the people. God does too, better than I. God is good, God is righteous…God forces people to love Him? God hardens people’s hearts? I know that not all will be saved. I thought I knew that God desired all of His people to come to Him; I thought I knew so many things.
This I know: God is real. Why don’t these things that the Bible says line up with what I know of Him? Why don’t they feel right? Why does the church stuff those issues in the closet and ‘forget’ to deal with them? Are we afraid of a little controversy along the search for truth? Give me truth or go away and preach to those who want the abridged version without the pain, and the struggle, and the wrestling.
Because I want to believe the truth, but I don’t want to believe that this is truth. God is the ultimate standard of good. Does the ultimate standard of good elect some and not others? What kind of parent would not will the best for all of His children? What kind of parent offers the good gift (the best gift) to only a few? Answer me this. Rock my faith. At least I am seeking. At least I am not stagnant.
I miss simplicity. The Bible hasn’t changed. I’ve been reading the same words all along. I’ve heard them a hundred times. “Jacob I have loved, and Esau I have hated.” Where did that come from? Why Jacob the liar, cheater, thief? He was no better than Esau.
Who am I to question God? Will I be struck dead? She says “to begin being a thinking Christian is urgent…” , but I think I understand why so many just swallow the tidbits thrown on them at Sunday mornings. It’s easier. To not think is easier than thinking, less risky. What if I find something that I don’t like? What if no one has satisfactory answers?
And yet the things I’ve learned from thinking hold me here. God is real. God is real because of so many truths: mental, historical, scientific. In this turbulence I need a solid anchor, and I have one. I will not walk away from God. But I want answers. Even the demons believe in God. I will never not believe, but this is causing some trust issues. I need to get this worked out. (No happy ending here.)