Ultimate Life?

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I kept being reminded about the frailty of life this week. I guess I better learn my lesson soon if I want it to stop. We don’t live very long here, and our lives are always hanging in the balance whether we choose to acknowledge it or not. I am not in control no matter whether I feel that I am or not. Not that the frailty of life is a bad thing. Sometimes there is nothing I want more than for this season on earth, for now to be over. But if it is so short I should endeavor to live it well.

I taught about ultimate life this week. That was our theme, and I struggled with it because of those things that I’ve been struggling with in the last two posts and because I don’t feel ultimate life often anymore. Sometimes I catch a hint of it on the wind, but for the most part I live the way I do out of guilt, not freedom and forgiveness. I thought I knew the truth (It’s supposed to set you free), but maybe I don’t know it in my heart. It’s hard to teach when you don’t feel.

I want to feel. I want to live from the abundance of God’s love (not my frail human affection), and from His mercy and His forgiveness. I’ve tried to find life again. I’ve sought. I don’t know where else to go. I listen to the lessons that are gifted me each week by fine teachers. Do this or that to reach ultimate life, and I’ve tried what they say, but I’m beginning to get skeptical because nothing has led me to feel. I know, I know feelings aren’t everything, but they mean a lot to me.

I don’t want to be just the good kid. I don’t want to do the right things due to the wrong motives. I want to help Jesus save the world, (not that He needs me) but I can’t if I can’t even find the joy in Salvation for myself. I’ve read the books, heard the sermons, talked the talk, and been surrounded by people who want to pour His life into me, but somehow I must have missed it. I must have missed the still small voice for the earthquake. See, I can talk the talk. I can make my little smart Christian allusions. But I don’t care if I can talk the talk. Talking means nothing to me; I want to feel.

Nobody else can do this for me. Nobody else can fight my battles, or live my life for me. I’m tired of living out of guilt, and I want the freedom again. I know it’s there, and I know it’s real, so why can’t I find it? It’s a gift I’ve accepted; it’s what I’ve chosen so where is it?

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Categories: My Life, Ponderings, rants | Tags: , , , , , , | 4 Comments

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4 thoughts on “Ultimate Life?

  1. Nope, I’m not going to try to provide an answer this time. 😉 They are important questions, and I suppose words can have their part in the answer. But the answer is bigger than just words.

    “Why don’t you fix me” is something I have asked God, in some form, many times. (Btw, I like that Icon For Hire song perhaps best of all those you have shared).

    I will say it is curious how your opening thought parallels a conversation Titi and I had on Saturday. Some local lives were cut short recently, some of them people Titi knew after a fashion, and in one case left children as orphans. Those God takes and those He leaves are things that don’t feel like they make sense.

    • Yes, I think you are right…the answer is bigger than words.

      I really like that song as well. I just discovered it super recently, and it fit well.

      So sorry to hear about that. God gives and he takes away, and we are left to ponder, question, and absorb.

  2. Lots of good thoughts here; thank you for sharing. Not trying to “fix” you but encourage you: Who are you in Christ? Write it out. 10 things. Scripture to back up each one. Meditate on these things and what that means for you. I just had an awesome conversation with another Christian recently about how God works in the lives of His children for their good. He’s working in you, whether you feel it or not. I know you know that. Feelings mean the world to me too – if I don’t feel it, I’m a million times more likely to doubt a truth. But the battle really is in our minds and the spiritual realm – and those who are instigating it want us to loose (Eph 6:10). I don’t want to be your earthquake – so let me know if I rumble too much 🙂

    • Thank you. I need all the encouragement I can get.

      Sometimes it’s hard to believe that God is working for my good, but deep down I think I do believe it.

      It’s so hard to win the mental physical battle. Sometimes I wish God would give me something I could fight physically to get some of the anger and frustration out. I need to save up my money and buy myself a punching bag. 😉

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