God gave us personalities, words, colors, sweat, sunsets, and water. God gave us a world with hard edges, sea slugs, music, friendship, and photosynthesis. We know beauty, and pain, hard work, and freedom because He made it so. Yet I blame God too frequently. I ask what He’s doing; I claim to seek His answers and still manage to miss the point that’s right in front of me most of the time. I could go on about the diversity of His planet and His people– He made mud, optimists, trees, blood, winter, predators, teachers, and valleys. I could go on, but I think you’ll get the point: I’m too self-centered to even consider the wonder in one of the things listed above most days. Most days I think about me and the people that I see. I think about ideas that are important to me.
God is speaking absolutely everywhere, and I miss it. I miss God working in the solar system, and the ecosystem, and the Church. I fail to appreciate His art, but I make time to read human’s vain attempts to capture it in words. See the contradiction? I miss His art while rushing to the next thing, studying for the next test, or talking to the next person about Him without really even beginning to grasp a fraction of what He is doing around me.
I never was good at silence. I’d try to sit, try to listen to God, but thoughts of obligations, past encounters, and responsibilities crowded my brain in seconds. Now I try silence less. I can do intercessory prayer. I can do supplication with passion and vigor, but not silence. I also have trouble making worship real. Worship and silence, and confession…not that I don’t want to confess, but it seems a lot like a psychological exercise to think back and pinpoint each sin from the day. It seems a lot more binding (a lot less freeing) than people make it out to be.
These are my failings–the areas where I feel stuck. I don’t feel like I’m growing in these places, and I don’t know how I’m going to change that. On so many levels I see God working every day now; I am unreasonably happy when I come home from school. On so many levels God is working, but I see the areas where I’m not getting anywhere, and I get frustrated. How can I grow here?
Maybe too many of my posts have been negative lately. I don’t mean for that to be. God is working. God is exciting me daily, but I still see so much room for improvement. I still see so many areas of stagnation. I want to push on, I want to change, I want to grow.