My Dilemma

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA“’I could never leave,’ Pine Sap said. 
‘Why?’ she asked.
Pine Sap shrugged, and gestured in the direction of the village. ‘Because I think people must be the same everywhere. Only these people are my bones.”                                                                    ~Jodi Lynn Anderson

I know I’ve probably over-written on this topic, and maybe you’re bored to death with it, but as the end of this season looms ever closer before me it’s hard to see much else. Someone told me yesterday that it hadn’t hit her yet–the season’s ending. I said it’s been hitting me since fall…so many lasts all year. The last time to wave goodbye is coming soon. This year there is no solace of return in the fall. It hurts because I love the people. I’ve given them everything from desperate prayers on sleepless nights to mechanical pencil lead, and they’ve given me something too, albeit unintentionally. They’ve given me fulfillment. With them is where I am meant to be. As another someone told me the other day, I am most alive when I am with the people.

I’m not so naive as to think that these people are special. I suppose, as Pine Sap said, that people are probably pretty much the same everywhere, but these people are special to me. They haven’t stolen my heart; I have given it up freely. Some would say I’ve given it too freely, but I have long since discovered that “It is more blessed to give than to receive.” I remember when I first met them three or so years ago. Younger, wide-eyed me thought there were so many that I would never know all or even most. I couldn’t imagine that we would ever have anything in common. I couldn’t imagine that this foreign world would ever overlap with my home life. But it wasn’t long before I looked forward to my time there. It wasn’t long before I made friends, and recognized most anyone I saw in the halls. Shortly, I could spot the new wide-eyed faces among the crowd. It wasn’t long before I desperately loved the people, mourned their aimless flight, and wished that they could meet the Savior.

So now the dilemma. I am being forced to leave, to distance myself from this place. Should I distance myself further for a four year college edumication that may give me a slight chance at reentering the place I love? I want to be wise. I want to make choices with my heart and my mind. I want to do the best thing. I could stay here and love the people from a distance. I could leave, lose all connections, and not make it back in, or I could (maybe) leave, and make it back in to the people place. I can’t see the future. I don’t know which path to take. Season changes are uncomfortable. They require choices that I am not equipped to make.

For now I am waiting. Maybe I am putting off the decision. For now I am living each remaining day with the people to the full. I wish I knew what to do. I wish I was better at choices. Everyone else seems to have their futures chosen; I hope that God will give me wisdom to choose well. I don’t want to regret my choice.

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Categories: Ponderings | Tags: , , , , , | 2 Comments

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2 thoughts on “My Dilemma

  1. I will pray for you in this season of your life. I think it is in the living through these situations and feelings that the growing up of life takes place. No other person can tell you how to do it, you have to do it yourself.

    We are not equipped to make the choices, but God can lead us through these times. Even those times which are fearful, or bitter-sweet, or uncertain can be made fruitful in God’s perfect working.

  2. Thank you. Prayer means a lot to me…

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