I wish I were a deeper person. I wish I kept my mouth shut and my ears open…that all my words were wise or encouraging. That my struggles were deep instead of typical. I wish I could truly love the people as Jesus does. I do love them, but I love them imperfectly. I hurt them with my words. I push them away with my actions.
I wish I cared less about “I”. I wish I was more secure. That others’ words or actions in regard to or response to me mattered to me less. I want be about so much more than status or achievement; I want to second guess myself less. I wish I had fewer regrets. That I seized the day more, and blurted words without thinking less. I wish I could go back and edit the things I realize I should or shouldn’t have said in hindsight.
I wish I was better at debating in person. One of the most important skills ever is the ability to defend one’s faith. To “be ready always to give an answer for the hope that lies within.” , but I’m not even close to ready half of the time, and my “an answer” is rarely the best answer which I determine when rehashing conversations in my mind.
I wish I was better at embracing grace. Jesus has seen all of my fears and failings, covered them with Himself, and forgiven and freed me, but so often I discard that gift of freedom for guilt, regret, and my wishlist of impossibilities. He’s lifted my burden, but I’ve taken it up again. I need to give it back. If His death is not to be in vain then I need to live in the liberty He died to provide.
I wish this wasn’t a constant process. “I get down. He lifts me up. I get down…” etc. I wish it wasn’t , but it is. Until Heaven I have to keep fighting to release the guilt the Enemy would love for me to continue to bear. Who knew releasing bad things could be so difficult? Who knew accepting peace and letting the Savior worry for me would be so hard?