Why is the idea of a leap of faith so much easier and more attractive in theory? I hate change and I hate life-altering choices, and both seem to be coming at me in mass quantities lately. Why can’t I have plans like everyone else? But maybe if I did it would just be harder when they didn’t work out…Why can’t I just choose on a whim and not weigh the options endlessly in my head aware that I will have to live with the results of the choices I’ve made? You can’t put off choices forever without sitting out on life, and that is something I absolutely refuse to do. And so I am back around the circle again. I must make the choices, but which ones to choose… The future is scary. I only have one life.
They say pray. Ask God. Don’t go forward until you hear a clear answer from Him. And I have prayed about the choices off and on for years, probably not as faithfully as I should, but still. I have prayed for what I would consider a relatively long time and still have no peace with one answer. Isn’t there a time to just choose? Does God really have one set, good plan layed out for my life, or is it more like multiple choice? I can choose and we will move forward, and sometimes neither option is bad. It is just a choice that will alter the course of my entire life, that is all. And I don’t know what to choose.
Proverbs says to seek good advice, but the truth is that all advice is biased. The truth is that the advice from people I trust only conflicts me even more as it goes both ways. They aren’t all leaning towards one option. Sometimes the same person expounds upon the pros and cons of each option…and I just want to burst “You are not helping!” Why can’t life be more simple? I like the grey sometimes, but sometimes cut and dry, bad and good, black and white, right and wrong would be nice.
Maybe I should just decide. But I would regret it. I would always wonder where the other choice may have led. I’m not a very content person, I guess. But I have to choose eventually, and at this rate I’ll never be sure which choice I want to make, so I’m just gonna have to go for one. I’ve always been one for playing life by ear and Carpe Diem (seizing the day) anyways, but having done that I know how much it can hurt. It can be extremely rewarding to be impulsive, but also very disheartening and humbling when I make the wrong choice. But there is no other way. There is no other option of how to choose. And so I am back at the beginning of this endless, looping train of thought. I will stop here and spare you another trip around.