So There

 “I’m kind of over getting told to throw my hands up in the air.
  So there.                                                                                                                                                                                                                   I’m kind of older than I was when I reveled without a care.
 So there.”

Lorde

Lorde’s words echo with the cynicism of a generation, one that is being reflected more and more in music lately. Music follows culture. Skepticism relates, it connects, thus music featuring it has become popular. If Icon’s “We’re not cynics we just don’t believe a word you say. We’re not critics we just hate it all anyway.” doesn’t resonate then I don’t know whatOLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA will. Is this growing up? Things used to be so simple. Right and wrong, farmers, neighborhoods, livelihoods, front porch rocking chairs, daisy chains, cliche country romance (I think the country music industry is so popular because it is entirely devoted to celebrating the old simplicity or bemoaning the loss of it.), paper money…

But idolizing simplicity won’t bring it back. And anyways, I’m not here to critique culture; I’m here to process my journey.  But this relates.  Because said pessimistic viewpoint has invaded my worldview; it wouldn’t be hard to let it hurt me, let it defeat me. Because life doesn’t resolve happily like the movies. It goes on. And after one seemingly insurmountable battle is won another of equal or greater proportions rises to take its place. The barrage never ends. There is no hope of freedom until the end of this life, and some nights this realization makes me want to curl up into fetal position and give up. What is the use of fighting if each victory is marginalized by a new attack? Without hope life is meaningless.

I know. We are to live for the final victory. Jesus has already won the war. I know. Heaven is waiting and will be spectacular, but that seems so far away. Fighting until then seems impossible. I know it is in my own strength.

I hate that I already sound like and old codger reminiscing and glorifying the past. I hate the extent to which my life is lived by “Optimists only get let down; pessimists get pleasantly surprised.” But I don’t know that I can change it. I hate that my downward outlook makes me cautious –chances is are if you give your heart away it will get broken. The people who practically worship romance get under my skin. So many girls can’t wait for their weddings. Have they ever looked and seen the stressed, apathetic struggles so many emotional commitments become? I know. I am just seeing the bad. There are benefits, I’m sure.

So…it’s been a long time since I’ve written. Maybe this is why. Biting sarcasm has become my friend, and I am having a severe shortage of pink bow ideas for post endings. This is where I am. This viewpoint is both hurting and protecting me. I don’t know if I can or want to escape. “I’m kinda older than I was when I reveled without a care. So there.”

 

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Categories: My Life, Ponderings, rants | Tags: , , , , , , | 2 Comments

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2 thoughts on “So There

  1. I can relate to this so much.

  2. I don’t want to say I’m glad you do, because I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. But I am glad to know that I’m not alone.

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