And I don’t feel like I’m strong enough.”
Humanity is so broken. That is a truth that we speak, often flippantly, often judgmentally, failing to see the dents scrapes and tears in ourselves. But I think maybe the moments that I see that fact most clearly come in my own failures, my own self-evaluations. Because when I fail I fail big, and leave a trail of unintentional, yet still horrifying, deep pain in my wake.
Sometimes I also feel the depth of our depravity in others. Because I push. If I’m going to know a person I want to know the whole, real person–wounds, biases, and all. Sometimes it takes a lot of words, questions, and time to get that deep. People have walls. Trust has led to knifing pain for them before. But I push, albeit gently, slowly, tactfully. I am persistent so usually I get in. I see the beauty even in the dark brokenness. A true picture of a person both kills and nourishes my soul. We are so used to facades, but I am not content with that.
Often lately I’ve wondered if it is wrong of me not to be content. If really, despite my prejudicial perceptions of myself, I am a selfish, manipulative, hurtful, fool. I like to think that I help, but lately I’m not so sure. I don’t want to lie to myself, I want honesty, no matter what the cost, and while that desire may be a fair expectation of myself, maybe it is wrong of me to impose it on others.
But I don’t know if I could stop if I wanted to. I am addicted to uncovering the truth of perfect, beautiful souls marred by sin.Like beach glass smoothed by the battering waves, each person worn and tattered by life leaves me awe-struck. Each story is better than fiction–how events, people, and words stamp and affect lives forever is sobering. Maybe I should take that as a warning, that the deeper you push the more impact you leave.But each story is different. Each holds meaning, infuses my life with it…
I’ve said before that the people give me a purpose, but maybe you didn’t believe me. Maybe you didn’t realize just how true those words were. They each see the world so differently. Taking a walk in their shoes is enlightening. Maybe one life isn’t enough for me. So maybe you didn’t realize how deeply all this went with me, how broken I am, but hopefully now you do. I strive to be truthful here, always. I never ask for an honesty, a vulnerability I will not give.