The summer is ending. Did you know that? The summer is ending, and the endings of seasons are good times for self-evaluation. So, I suppose that’s what I’ll do with this post– evaluate how winter/spring Veronicah is different from summer/going into fall Veronicah. Have I grown or regressed? To be honest, I don’t know that I’ve grown, at least not in the right ways. I’ve grown pessimistic. I’ve been told that I’ve grown to be overly critical. I’ve not grown in God like I should’ve despite the overly-hyped “This will grow your walk with God!” missions trip. Despite church, despite youth group, despite Christian self-help books, sage advice, and my struggling attempts to “stay in the Word.” I don’t blame those things though. It was mostly my fault.
I’m coming back. It feels different, but good. God loves me, He accepts me. He helps me turn my life around. I had known seasons of being spiritually over-nourished with nowhere to give before, but this season I experienced something new–the joy and responsibility of giving and the importance of staying close to God in that and in everything. When I try to control my life I am drained.
Another thing…I feel that I know less than before. I still believe God is the answer, the cure, the only way to Heaven, our only hope. But since leading someone to God who hasn’t felt God yet, since listening to another someone say he stopped believing after every single person and situation he earnestly prayed for only got worse, since befriending so many agnostics with so many different stories I have become less enthusiastic. Maybe I don’t share my faith enough. I don’t know. They know I believe, they know I care for them, and they know I pray. Is that not enough?
I have written less this season, both on my blog and for myself. Hopefully I’ll write more this winter. My thinking and worldview has changed more recently than ever before. I have been too busy…I hope to remedy that. I have had deep friends. I had always wanted deeper friends, and now that I have them I’ve been told it’s sad that I have no girl friends my age, but I am inclined to disagree. I couldn’t ask for more than the guys who are my confidants. They make me happy; they care. Finally I have friendships that are give and take. I am afraid to lose them.
One last thing: I now feel both more typical and more different than I did before. I am very human; I have very predictable reactions and emotions. But I also am and always will be markedly isolated and seperate. My choices are not the same as those of my peers, which is why I am still at home, not yet acquiring the much-glorified higher education. The world is moving on without me. The people are back at the people place, but I am not there. I miss it. They are my passion, and I’m thankful for the connections I’ve been able to retain, but I hope someday to go back to those halls and classrooms and love the people there again. This is where I am now. This is the end of season one. I wonder what is yet to come. Shall I flash the words across the screen for you?