What is the point? Who will I be? Where do I want to go? Because the wild child with the gung ho heart, creative apparel, and feathers in her hair wasn’t much for getting jobs. Unpredictable equals don’t hire. Makes sense. Though I finally did get a job, by the grace of God. I suppose I’m not grateful enough for it. The people there are nice even when I mess up, and I don’t have to work with numbers. But it fences me in; it pulls me down. A Christian workplace means I’m not meeting new desperate people, forming new relationships. I tell myself I don’t mind the work, know I don’t mind the money, but it drains my time with the old people (I’ve had to cut off seekers’ deep, late night conversations because I have to wake up and function the next morning) and prevents me from meeting new ones. Someday I am afraid there will be none left… I was right–the connections here are surface level, except for a couple. One I already had. I rock the boat here. (“You are crazy. I have no idea what goes on inside your head.”) I don’t mind it. But it isn’t where I’m supposed to be, at least not for long.
But people say stay, and I know that is wise. I’ve got my foot in the door here. This is a steady job, and I’m not good at acquiring jobs, remember? It’s not like I want to start anew, stress anew, learn anew somewhere else, but I do not fit here. I was right before, predicting I would live for my days off, weekends, and time with the people. Everyone says “It’s work. You’re not supposed to enjoy it.” Maybe they’re right; maybe I’m not being a realist. But I need to have the people now and always, and soon these old ones will grow up and move on. I’m not meeting the next generation at the people place this year…What to do?
God has been working. He has been exciting me with the people lately. I’m seeing more to make me hope than ever before. Talked to one I hadn’t seen in months online, and he said he got baptized that day. I asked if that meant anything to him. “Yes…”He talked about how he had changed this summer, lost a lot of friends because of his new beliefs. Another one, an agnostic I’ve known a while was going through dark times. I prayed, asked another lover of people who is seeking truth to pray. Next day the dark times aren’t as bleak, and he wants to read the whole Bible; he can’t wait until I get him one. He’s giving God a chance. Then there is the atheist from the family I’ve cried many late night, intercessory tears over who’s band mates have converted, want to “glorify Jesus” with their music now, and conversations with a stubborn member of the same family over why I’ll gamble my everything on eternity and let that effect my now. So many more… God is working. He is alive. He is amazing.
To be clear, I don’t see the people as projects. They are friends, they mean a lot to me, and they will continue to do so regardless of their decisions. I get excited about their considering Christ and about His pursuit of them because I want to see them happy, I want them to know truth, selfishly I want to spend eternity with them. I love pouring myself into people. It is what makes me thrive. Sometimes I feel that I am running empty, that no one is pouring into me, but I lean into God in those times and press on. The people need me, and God is using me. It feels good to be used by God.
Still, my conundrum remains. The thing that takes the most of my time is not the most important thing, the one which means the most to me. For some reason I have to squeeze that thing around work for now, which can be aggravating and frustrating sometimes. Hopefully this won’t be forever though. I am working on applying to a new people place that may allow me eventually to stay with my people, my mission, for the rest of my life. If I am rejected I don’t know what I will do. I cannot continue with this imbalance of my priorities forever, but for now I suppose I must. I love the people. God helps me. He helps me help them. Their problems are too big for me. I can do nothing (not this or my future), absolutely nothing alone.