I prayed so hard that this day wouldn’t come. I never wanted it to come to this. That one of my very closest friends would hang himself…I had hoped that he wouldn’t have the nerve. I had prayed for him more than I’ve prayed for anyone else ever, even years before I knew he had had these thoughts. Now there is denial and anger and there were tears, but mostly I am okay now. I am here to love and help the people, to be their safe place, to point them to God. Because that is who I am. That is what I do always.
I have few regrets. I wish I had checked my Facebook sooner, wish I had stopped and chased him that day. That was what he wanted–for someone to chase him and prove he was loved. But we talked about God, and that is what matters. Take it from me…don’t chicken out. Life is short and fragile and uncertain. Fulfill the great commission in a good and gentle way always. Make the most of every opportunity, for the days are evil. Love the people. Point them to God. That is the only thing that really matters in the end.
God is using this. It is one thing to say that God uses evil for good, but it is another thing to see it all around you. God has opened doors for me to minister to so many more beautiful, broken people through this. He is reaching them. And there are Christians praying against the darkness which still wants to use this for its purposes. This is a very real battle here, but what God is doing is nothing short of amazing. I serve a great, powerful, and very good God.
The story isn’t over yet. I don’t have a conclusion for this post. I am still in the midst of everything: mourning the loss of a friend, hoping he made the right choice about God in the end, watching open mouthed as God brings both people I had been working to love and people I had subconsciously labeled as nearly hopeless cases to Him through this. I pray that He gives me the right words to say. Right now I know that I am undoubtedly right where he wants me to be, and I know that he is using me. And that is amazing. Now I just pray that my humanness doesn’t get in the way and mess things up, though God works in weakness.
I guess, for now, if you take anything from this post it should be this: God is good. God is good absolutely positively all the time.