Muddling on

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAIf I told you everything that is happening in my life right now you would think I was making it up because it sound more like science fiction than reality. It’s odd, because I’m living under the shell of normalcy– I go to work every day, I’m applying for college–but none of that really matters. It’s the conversations in the wee hours that mean something to my numb heart. Answering questions about Hell and “Have you ever been depressed?”, acknowledging together that the hungry darkness doesn’t want to stop with taking just one soul, trying to help with unnamed problems…many other things I will not tell you here.

Sometimes I don’t know why the people trust me. God knows, many days continuing the fight seems just as impossible to me as to them, but (as a new friend of mine likes to say) “I know the rules. Muddle on.” There is nothing new under the sun. Man is still born to trouble as the sparks fly upward. And that trouble is heavy. The darkness is deep. There is no way to prevail without God, yet  I talk mostly to those who have not yet chosen Him. It gets sad sometimes. Someone told me the other day “I am a perfect, wretched soul.” Truly, God has planted eternity in the hearts of men. Yet we can be so close to truth and still so far away.

I am not better than them. I am human. Maybe I was unfairly blessed to have God in my upbringing, but that is the only difference. It is amazing that even with all the study of life and psychology and the human condition we cannot understand them. They are uncondensible. The only words that get them right are found in lyrics and the Bible because both are vague enough to retain the mystery. I laugh when people call the Bible God’s love letter. Have they read it?

But I am getting off topic. My train of thought is a train wreck of late–even more scattered than usual. I’ve been wanting to write here though. Again, I have no perfect ending, nothing to say except that I covet your prayers. I try to impart wisdom in the wee hours; I am struggling to live wisely myself. I am discovering how important it is that my hope is built on nothing less and nothing more than Jesus, that it be found in Christ alone because all else will fail. I am fighting emotions and lack thereof. “I’m not all-right. I’m broken inside.” But I don’t want pity; don’t worry over me. So long for now, friends. I will be back sometime, writing who knows what. It takes so little time for everything to change.


Categories: Journey Prologues., Ponderings, rants | Tags: , , , , , , | 3 Comments

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3 thoughts on “Muddling on

  1. You will continue to be in my prayers. It is a long road.

    Have you read C.S. Lewis’s “A Grief Observed”? I feel like I have mentioned it before. If you haven’t read it, consider giving it a try. It is a short little book–more a personal sharing from a painful place than a treatise of grand idea making.

    Your line early in the post “but none of that really matters. It’s the conversations in the wee hours that mean something to my numb heart” made me think of something Lewis says at the beginning of the book. Speaking of his initial sensation of grief he says, “At other times it feels like being mildly drunk, or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me.

    Lewis goes on to harder thoughts and feelings, but that initial touch of parallel expression caught my attenion.

    • Hmm. No. I’ve yet to read that. I’ll have to get a copy. There is a lot going wrong in my life besides this, but that sounds like it’d be a good, healthy read. It’s always nice to know you aren’t the only one feeling what you are.

      • Yeah, it seems to be the way of things that when we are struggling with one thing a bunch more problems join the fray. It is the way of spiritual warfare, and it is hard. At least you’re not yet to the point of sitting in an ash heap scraping your sores with a shard of pottery.

        (That was an attempt at a bit of levity.)

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