Missing

You missed the first snow today. I remember when you used to wrestle the Vo Tech kids in the snow and put snow down the back of my neck on the bus, or touch my cheek with the back of your cold (yet warm, very alive) hand. I remember how you would laugh and smile then. Back then it reached your eyes. And you would get off the bus and start pelting your brothers.

I wonder if where you are there is beauty. I hope you made it to the beautiful place; I hope I will see you again, but I am unsure. Sometimes I doubt. I wonder what the dark place feels like. I know God has mercy, but I also know you had to choose. I know depression had your mind in its grip, had you believing lies and half truths. I know you knew truth. We talked about it so many times.

I facebooked the lyrics to a song you liked before you chose death. Technically it was a status, but really it was to you. We talked through lyrics like that. “Dreamer, child, be cautious of this world. She has an appetite for boys and girls, and she’s hungry for your soul.” I told you that your ending yourself was what the darkness wanted. It wasn’t an end to the pain as it seemed, but an embracing of pain forever. It was closing the door to hope.

I see the darkness reaching out for the others now. It wants to suffocate them too. But what Satan meant for evil…your death is driving some of them to find truth. But the darkness fights for them all that much harder then, afraid they’ll be lost to freedom and light. Maybe they shall be. I hope.

You are ever in my mind. Things come back…memories, words that I had forgotten. Oh so many memories. Occasionally I still catch myself thinking of something to tell  you, only to realize that I can’t . Your family is lost without you. You never realized how many lives you touched, though I tried to convince you. “This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you.”

You had great flaws, had many weaknesses. I cannot begin to count how many times I backhanded you for swearing…But I loved you. Love covers over a multitude of sins. I was attached to you, and I still am, only now you aren’t here, and there is ever always this empty ache of something missing. I don’t want that ache to ever go away.

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Categories: Ponderings | Tags: , , , , , , | 4 Comments

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4 thoughts on “Missing

  1. Okay, the emotional feel of the post strikes me like a echo of “Boulder to Birmingham.” That’s just me.

    Share a bit of verse with you. The first is a poem by Gerard Manley Hopkins. You may know it.

    God’s Grandeur

    The world is charged with the grandeur of God.
    It will flame out, like shining from shook foil;
    It gathers to a greatness, like the ooze of oil
    Crushed. Why do men then now not reck his rod?
    Generations have trod, have trod, have trod;
    And all is seared with trade; bleared, smeared with toil;
    And wears man’s smudge and shares man’s smell: the soil
    Is bare now, nor can foot feel, being shod.

    And for all this, nature is never spent;
    There lives the dearest freshness deep down things;
    And though the last lights off the black West went
    Oh, morning, at the brown brink eastward, springs —
    Because the Holy Ghost over the bent
    World broods with warm breast and with ah! bright wings.

    The second is the lyrics to the song “Glorious” by Colony House (formerly Caleb).

    Moving toward tomorrow
    Learning to live with sorrow
    With my eastern eyes open wide
    Waiting for a sunrise, most the time
    I’m a broken arrow
    I’m a fatal error
    Missed my mark
    I forgot my line
    Waiting for a sunrise
    I’m so tired of living like I don’t have what it takes
    I don’t have what it takes
    I’m still waiting for that day
    Where I’m more than mistakes
    I’m more than mistakes and
    I will be glorious
    I will be glorious
    On my own I fumble
    On my own I’m no-one
    Searching every evening’s
    Rolling sky?
    When all I need’s a sunrise
    I’m so tired of living like I don’t have what it takes
    I don’t have what it takes
    and, I’m still waiting for that day
    Where I’m more than mistakes
    I’m more than mistakes
    and, I will be glorious
    I will be glorious
    (o-o-o-, la-da-da, la-da-da-da)
    I’m so tired of living like I don’t have what it takes
    I dont have what it takes and,
    I’m still waiting for that day,
    Where I’m more than mistakes
    More than mistakes
    and, I will be glorious
    I will be glorious
    I will be glorious
    O-o-,
    I will be glorious

    ****

    Those lyrics spoke to me the first time I heard them a few months ago. I thought you might appreciate them too. Now seems perhaps the right time to share.

    I find their musical style a tad more in the pop-rock-ish sound than my usual taste but if you appreciated that one you might want to poke around a bit in their other music.

  2. Mmm. Thank you, friend. I enjoyed these. They fit. Usually nothing captures emotions like music Thus my addiction to good music. 😉

  3. I’m so sorry for your loss. This pain is now part of who you are for as long as it last. And God will use who you are, as your eyes remain on him.

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