The thing that terrifies me most these days is the people who lean on me, the people who look up to me. Yesterday someone told me “… it’s good to have someone to look up to!! I hope I can become as close to Him [God] as you are!…You still are one of the most down to earth people I know, and talking to you is so refreshing because I’m so used to going to school and being inside the thoughts of all the teens there and the drama and I talk to you and it kind of reminds me of reality and what really matters.” That’s one of the highest compliments I’ve ever been paid.
I write it here, ironically, so it’ll keep, and I won’t lose it in the ever knotted threads of cyberspace as time moves on. I guess things move a little slower in this corner of the world wide web than most. Sometimes I go back through the archives and read… I see how far I’ve come and where I’ve regressed and where I’ve grown. WordPress told me today that my blog is three years old, and I can’t believe it’s been that long–I’m so different now than I was then. But I digress. Everyone has their own journey. I just fear to be put on a pedestal, especially now when I’m at my lowest. God is the one we should be glorifying. But it isn’t always easy to keep our focus on the unseen. I get that. I’ve had my share of older Christian girls who’ve been role models to me as the years have passed.
Today someone told me “You’re the only thing keeping me alive…you know that right? If I didn’t have you to talk to I woulda been dead a long time ago… You’re the only reason I have to live. To get to talk to you every day.” As if yesterday’s compliment wasn’t scary enough. Again, it amazes me how much people still feel that I help them even when I am at my most broken, and again I realize that he’s putting me in a position that should be reserved for God. But he doesn’t believe. He often refers to my beliefs as my “cult”, despite the fact that we debate that occasionally.
I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t ask for this responsibility. Somehow, for some reason that I do not understand in the slightest, it has fallen on me. And you know something? Many, many, many times I have failed. People let me in and I sear their broken, tender hearts with fire, albeit unintentionally. It doesn’t matter if that was my intention for a crime that brutal– the damage is unforgivable. I strive to help and to heal and to soothe. I strive to love and to carry this weight well. But I fail. I fail because I wasn’t made for this.
This is God’s job. That, I acknowledge, despite the fact that God and I are on some interesting footing at the moment. But what am I to do? Aside from pointing to my Creator and trying to allow Him to minister His healing through me? I won’t turn the people away. So there is nothing to do but move forward. I hurt for every person I have hurt. If I could go back…but I don’t know what I should have done differently. I tried my hardest and it wasn’t enough. The past is gone, though it’s effects linger on. The future lies before me. God only knows how many more precious hearts I will hurt and heal before I’m laid to rest. I pray that I help more than hurt. I pray that even the hurt ones know that I cared and loved with my everything. I don’t ask them to forgive me.