Ramblings of the Unwell

“I’m not crazy; I’m just a little unwell.”

The words from the popular ’06 (I think?) song ring true often. Matchbox Twenty’s one big hit…songs get big because they’re relatable, y’know. Those words fit me now as well as ever, but I’m getting tired of writing about me. I haven’t been writing many posts lately, but the ones I have written are just different takes of the same picture. Maybe I’m stuck. I was talking to a friend last night, and he said “I try not to live in the past.” I laughed. Yeah, that’s the polar opposite of me.

I mean, I think about my now a lot too, but I never come close to figuring it out, and the future is intimidating. On the bright side I don’t lie in bed replaying the faults of the previous day, year, or more accurately decade over and over in my head so much anymore, what I shoul’dve said or done differently… That’s the good part of no longer being the one with insomnia. And besides, when I do randomly wake up at one in the morning I have two friends who haven’t been able to get much sleep lately that I can talk to. Gone are the nights of lonely overthinking, writing, praying, wrestling myself in the dark. Thank you social media. Honestly I don’t know if now or then is better. It’s hard to watch others inexplicably deprived of the slumber they chase.Would it be better for them to fight with themselves alone or to talk? Another relatable lyric, this one from a Noah Gundersen song which should be more popular: “I’ve got a lot of good friends keeping me distracted, keeping my sanity safe.”

The balance between alone time and connection time is tricky, and, while I’m generally good at balancing things in the literal sense, balancing on the mental or spiritual level is not my forte, so I guess it makes sense that I’m at one extreme or the other. Before I was alone, and now I am not, and somewhere in the middle would’ve probably been best. In some ways I’m an extremist, in some ways I’m a go getter, yet I’m also timid, and comfortable, and rut-stuck. I mean, look at me now, writing another post about me after having said that I’m sick of writing about myself. Maybe I’ll cut myself some slack because I’m human, and we as humans tend to go back to what is routine, and comfortable, and normal, and easy. It takes a whole thirty days to form a new habit, so maybe I shouldn’t be expected to write about something else for a month. (Just in case you didn’t detect it, there was more than a hint of sarcasm in that last sentence.)

I could start now, and write about something else for the remainder of this post. Something like sin, or the Bible, or both. Maybe something uplifting. Have you ever read Hebrews 12? Here’s two pieces from it in The Message translation that have been challenging to me lately. I’ll end with them.  First, a word about Jesus’ life as it relates to ours:  “When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through. That will shoot adrenaline into your souls!” And secondly a warning: “Watch out for the Esau syndrome: trading away God’s lifelong gift in order to satisfy a short-term appetite. You well know how Esau later regretted that impulsive act and wanted God’s blessing–but by then it was too late, tears or no tears.” I guess I’m ending on that note. Feel free to share some relatable lyrics or challenging scriptures of your own in response.


Categories: My Life, Ponderings | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

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3 thoughts on “Ramblings of the Unwell

  1. “Nothing is Wasted” by Jason Gray is on the mind tonight. And I just found “There is No Thief Like Fear.”

    As far a Scripture, a passage I recently found convicting was John 6:5-7: Lifting up his eyes, then, and seeing that a large crowd was coming toward him, Jesus said to Philip, “Where are we to buy bread, so that these people may eat?” He said this to test him, for he himself knew what he would do. Philip answered him, “Two hundred denarii worth of bread would not be enough for each of them to get a little.”

    Reading that, I felt very personally the panic of Philip. Jesus was asking him to do an impossible thing (so Philip thought). But how Philip misunderstood. Jesus had everything under control. He already knew what he was going to do. All he wanted from Philip was trust. He wanted Philip to realize there was nothing Philip could do to meet the need of the people, and so to trust the need into Jesus’ hands.

    Instead, Philip panics. “Aaaaaahhh! It would take two hundred days’ wages to give everyone a single bite. What are we going to do?”

    Foolish Philip. When Jesus is done there will be twelve baskets of leftovers. The Son of God is more than sufficient for every need. But Jesus wants you to see that, to trust that. And so he asks you, “What are you going to do?” so that you will realize you cannot answer the need, and you must trust him.

    And in seeing that, I saw it was me. I am Philip. I look around in my life, and I think I hear Jesus saying, “What are you going to do to meet the need?” And like Philip I misunderstand. I get panicky because I think Jesus is asking me how I am going to pull myself up and answer the great need. But what he is calling me to is a recognition that I can’t meet the needs that are facing me. Jesus is calling me to rest in his great sufficiency to turn a few loaves and fish into a great feast. Jesus is calling me to trust that he can take my insufficiency and make it super abundant. Jesus is calling me to confess, “Lord, I can’t answer the great need, but I know you can, and you will.”

    So in this present time of my life I have been reminded, convicted, that I need to confess my lack in answering the need of the occasion, and actively trusting in Jesus.

  2. Ooh. Very deep my friend. A good reminder for all of us at all stages, I think.

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