Sometimes I don’t think that I have any original thoughts left. I spend all day every day saturated in everyone’s ideas and
opinions and struggles and art. I drive home in the middle of January with the window down singing to others’ lyrics to sooth my soul, and I pin a pin on Pinterest that says one original thought is worth a thousand mindless quotings. Ironic, right?
Sometimes I think I’m too comfortable in my life. I go to work, come home, sleep, go to work again. I’m in yet another rut–seems like I leave one just to get stuck in another. That’s not all that uncommon in this winter weather, I suppose. But that’s the problem, I used to be uncommon, but I don’t feel like I’m uncommon anymore. Navigating life is thousands of times harder than navigating winter roads, (which I’ve been mostly ok at doing so far) and I don’t even know where to begin.
Big words and ideas like independence and future and career haunt me. You know I’m supposed to have all of that figured out by now. I’m still here, I’m still home keeping tabs on my people, but I don’t know how much help I am. I wonder about all the other people in the world. I’d like to go sailing for four weeks and meet some new ones maybe, or move to Arizona or North Carolina to room with acquaintances. But I’ve got things like responsibilty and a job and a phone bill. I lack things like a car and that crazy, gung ho, adventurous spirit that I’ve always admired. Someone told me I had “whimsy” once. I think I’ve lost that…that, or I only ever had whimsy in the little, safe ways.
Maybe I’ve already ruined enough relationships here. Maybe I should leave the world alone. Or perhaps it’s only that I’ve stayed here too long and worn out my welcome. Even people who claim to want beyond the surface friendships often hold respite for those who push for them in reality. Seeing all of the motivations and assumptions of another person, realizing the weak things that person allows to bind them, coming to know the cruddy, messed up heart of a fellow human…it’s tough. Genuiness isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Me, I think it’s still worth it. But I’m crazy and stupid, running after ideals, just like the rest of humanity. Could be I’m wrong.
“Live a life worthy of the calling you have received. ” Yeah, I’ve flubbed up that one. “Be Holy as I am Holy.” Another red scrawled “FAIL”. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.” Honestly? I think I “lean on my own understanding” more often than not. I’ve heard it’s never too late to restart. Don’t we all hear that constantly proclaimed from those with good intent, and motivational posters, and advertisements now and again? But reality usually proves otherwise. Mostly around me I see people trying to change in false starts and relapses. Of course not starting a restart on the basis that I’ll probably fail is a huge cop out. Call me a pessimist, prove me wrong, change your ways, improve yourself. I like all the encouragement I can get nowadays, though often the fuzzy feelings don’t last long here in my rain cloud.
Don’t worry about me. I’m not always this downtrodden. I’ve been responding to people who ask me “How are you?” with “Good.” lately and actually meaning it. I guess my cynical, long winded side comes out when I’m writing. But as for today this is all I have to say. You are excused. Go find something happy to dissipate the smog I’ve put into your system. Adieu.