Posts Tagged With: depression

Poem

A rather depressing, wry take… I wrote this during the final month of the long winter, during March. Things are getting better since then in more ways than one. Don’t worry too much, Mom. Writing is based off of the emotions of the moment, and even in the low moment when I wrote this it turned out even more calloused than I felt. But, it’s been quite a while since I’ve posted poetry, so I thought I’d put it up regardless. I’m hoping to post more regularly than I have been, and posting this is a part of that attempt.

 

“You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free.”
Or choke you like a collar attached to a leash as you run in the opposite direction.
“The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak”
The spirit is willing…sometimes, but sometimes it flees His protection.

“Ye of little faith.”
I believe, actually. I’m just afraid of dying to myself.
“Acknowledge Him, and he will make your path straight.”
My crooked ways please me so I put God on the shelf.

“Why do the nations rage,
and the people plot in vane?
The kings of the earth
have all joined together
to turn against the Lord and his Annointed saying
“Let’s cut the ropes and set oursleves free.”
But the one who sits in Heaven laughs,
He scoffs at them.
Then, in His anger, He rebukes them.”

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Categories: My Life, Poems, rants | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Oh, Death

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAI don’t feel invincible. I don’t feel like a young immortal, for I have walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I have drank from the cup of bitter darkness. I have loved and lost, and I live still. I am not afraid of my own death, though I wouldn’t call myself ready. I want to hear “Well done good and faithful servant.”, but truly I will never deserve those words. I’m told it’s unusual for one of my age to be so well acquainted with the end. Talking with a coworker: “I mean, my Grandma died, but nobody, like, my age.” I’m told it’s unusual, but some days I’m not so sure. The people around me don’t mostly seem to have lived otherwise…He lost his little sister to Heroin while high school aged, he lost his to cancer, her best friend died in sixth grade, he lost a fellow soldier, she lost her baby, the life inside of her, he lost his older brother to suicide, he lost his mom. Maybe it is good to come to know harsh reality young. The people who have are different, deeper. Though I don’t know if the depth is worth the blackness that crawls into the souls of some. For myself, I’ve always held that I would rather know truth than ignorant bliss no matter what the cost.

Death isn’t the worst. “Let the dead bury their own dead.” What is worst is those in the living death of depression. I hate depression. I hate the attacks of the evil one, and I hate the empty look it brings to the eyes of those I love. I hate that I cannot rescue them. I hate that depression is something that has to be slogged through, in many ways alone, over months and years. It is imperfection, a flaw in the world caused by sin, as with all the other flaws. They say it’s a “chemical imbalance”, which is all fine and good, but few want their brains to be tampered with. Happy pills may work, but they aren’t always the answer. Maybe it is because I push deeper, because I want to be more than shallow and surface that I see it so much.

There’s a darkness too deep to be healed in a heartbeat, there’s a lostness that I can’t rescue people from. God. Only God can. Yet he seems so silent. There’s a truth deeper than devotional books and three point sermons…sometimes I hear it in the hymns. Depression isolates, it blinds, but really everyone is going through the same things at one level or another. It’s scary, I listen to the people, I talk to a lot of people, and the same lines echo over and over again. “The world would be better off without me.” “I don’t make promises I cannot keep.” “I don’t think I can win this fight.” “I am worthless.” Bandaid fixes don’t work. Rich Mullins said he was told “God loves you man,” in his dark days, and his response was one I’ve heard repeatedly too. “Big deal. God loves everybody…that just proves He ain’t got no taste.” What words are you supposed to use to refute that?

Sometimes there are no words. We are ashes to ashes, dust to dust, and so much– so complex and yet so simple–in the in between. I won’t apologize for writing about death so much lately. I know it makes some people uncomfortable, but it is important to speak on. Maybe soon I will talk about life or some such thing to add variety, but for today I’ve rambled on long enough, so I’ll end, quoting Rich Mullins once more.

“I can hear the wild wind howling, and I can feel it in my bones.

And I know that the howling will take me Home.”

 

 

 

Categories: My Life, rants | Tags: , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Weak & Wounded

Did you know you can die of grief and stress? A troubled mind causes heart-attack-like symptoms; they call it Broken Heart Syndrome–dying of a broken heart. Usually the syndrome occurs in older women, but I wonder if whether or not it happens is linked to mental strength as well as physical? Right now I’m the weakest I’ve ever been. The nightmare my life has been since October nineteenth has to do with much more than just my friend’s choice. Every time I’m halfway coping another trouble wounds me deeply. They come from out of nowhere. The people around me try to help, but they cannot live my life for me.  I’m not the only one with physical pain due to heart wrenching emotion. We are all more than a little messed up right now.

I wish I could go back and wake up that Sunday morning and listen to the gut instincts I had all day. The Holy Spirit can be ignored; I may have been guilty of that. I felt I  should not let our mutual friend come to youth group with me, but rather stay with him. I thought I should have followed him into the woods–because isn’t that what we all want, to be followed by dogged love? I had the urge to randomly stop by the house on the way home. I knew I should have checked my facebook sooner when I felt the nudge instead of putting it off and telling myself to stop being addicted to social media… I know, I can’t live in the past. I go to work and act like I’m ok every day. If I act like it I feel like it more or less eventually, but then reality brings me back down.

The last thing I want is to go to another funeral thanks to suicide. I hate depression like some people hate cancer, because it steals the ones I love, if not physically then mentally. But reality is if I keep loving the people long enough eventually I’ll find myself at another mourning ceremony courtesy of depression. They lean on me. I do my best to keep them alive, for both their sake and mine. But the balance between trust and betrayal is terrible. I’ll break trust so they can continue living, despite the fact that their lives feel like wretched, pointless torture. And then they’ll hate me. Last time breaking trust only made it worse.

I am worn, and I am tired, and I am empty. I can’t sleep tonight. My hair is falling out. My immune system is suffering. Mental stress is catching up to my body, but life does not relent. There is no time out, there is not pause button, there is no relief. Don’t pity me. I’m not saying this here for pity. Rather, I’m typing it out because it is a part of my journey, plus, since these words started circling in my head an hour or so ago they would not cease. If I fought them long enough they would have been gone by morning. They were being stubborn, and I didn’t want to lose them–that is how writing works for me. Maybe now that the words are all typed out I can slip into the gentle oblivion of sleep. We’ll see.

Categories: Journey Prologues., My Life, Ponderings | Tags: , , , , , , | 9 Comments

Winter Hope

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Winter. Cold dreary days push back the sun without respite for months on end. Life is hidden. The battles’ result is set from the beginning, but that does not stop the one who shall be conquered from fighting hard: clinging to the branches; covering wellsprings, and cool blue depths with inches of ice. Winter. Not so much seen as felt deep within the soul. Old dreary days with no release from the chills steady hold. Winter- it is my favorite season. Alas, I don’t know why. Maybe it is the battle to see who can endure the longest, or those nights of happiness in the form of sledriding. Laughing in winter’s face. It is a long season, but it makes that which lies on the other side all the brighter, and for an instant makes us treasure that which is given.

There is a winter of the soul too. Days without joy, or pain, just continual rebellion against the bitter cold that tries to steal, and pillage our hearts. There are long days, and longer nights filled with little but the battle for life. Physical life doesn’t mean much when the spirit is dead (or at least appears dead, all symbols of life tucked away like the jagged trees), but it means there is hope. There is a chance for a better tomorrow. Hope…if there were a theme for this season of my life that would be it. Clinging to hope in glimmers and snippets;

Today there is an indian summer. The weatherman said that it could get up to sixty degrees; the snow has melted off to mud. There is a smell of new life in the air. Today I found a dandelion- a tidbit of hope stubbornly fighting its way through the chaos. A dandelion in January. There are indian summers in the soul’s winter too. Days where the end is in sight, and inklings of the hope of rebirth (messy, but welcomed after the endless torment) appear. Here’s to surviving the long days yet to come, and one day walking into the glorious sunlight which we will never experience in full until the New Kingdom. Here’s to clinging to hope with white knuckled fists during the long nights, and rejoicing in the joy that comes with the morning. We must never forget that there is hope; for the battle is already won.

*Dedicated to my dear friend Nastya as she fights her way through this season of her life.*

Categories: Poems, Ponderings | Tags: , , , , , | 3 Comments

And Life Returns

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And life returns: battles with procrastination and selfishness (small mountains in the scope of things, but they loom unconquerable from the bottom.) Days of ‘meaningless, meaningless’ come again. At least, meaningless on the grand scale; meaningless without God. I am left with little time for pondering; with a great deal of busyness, and the second guessing of actions and motives.It’s rather Ecclesiastically depressing when examined too closely. Yay for the new year. Yep.

I want to make a difference, be the change, and all that jazz, but sometimes I don’t feel like I’m getting anywhere. Changing the world one life at a time is a nice slogan, but not very fun when being lived out. It’s more like one small action, or opportunity at a time- it sure doesn’t feel like changing the world. But I trudge on because I can’t walk out on my own story, and I fulfill expectations half out of obligation, and half habit, maybe sometimes with a little spark of hope that I might be changing something for somebody..

Yes, this is the depressing post when  I look back on what feels like a squandered year, and predict little change for the next even though I know there have been little changes over the last one that have made me a better person. People can never be good anyways. I’m sorry if the post has brought you low. though I suppose we can’t be in the clouds all the time. I feel like I haven’t written very many happy things on here lately, but I’m not going to lie about the journey. Life’s not just pretty flowers, and pinterest inspiration, though I guess we’re all good at faking it.

There won’t be peace on this earth, but we’re pretty good at hiding violence under the ever-heightening rug, and only letting it escape into our safe cocoon occasionally. People fight to keep this safety. Lives given are underappreciated. Maybe we need to be shaken up a little. There’s one thing that really matters, but that seems so easy to forget between schedules and self-reliance. There is only one hope.

Happiness isn’t everything. I will not wish you a happy 2013, but I will wish you a good one filled with hope, growth, and at least some jubilation. Share the hope of not being stuck in this place of darkness forever even if it seems futile-only one action at a time. Don’t forget to seek the truth, and go to God so you will have a light to share. It’s a new year and time is short so use it wisely. I am persevering in this fight despite all my rants, frustrations, and complacency, and I hope you will too-even  when it hits you unexpectedly. Somewhere within please know this fight is worth it, and leaning on God find grace, and strength to carry on.

Categories: My Life, Ponderings | Tags: , , , , , | 4 Comments

Uphill Climb

There is such a big difference between getting to know more about Jesus, and getting to know Him. It’s so easy to go from “I love You, and I want to know you better.” to a monotone study of Jesus’ character traits all the while seeking something more. It’s the difference between knowing the right thing to do, and doing it. The gap doesn’t sound that big, but it’s huge. Sometimes I think that’s where I am: in the gap. It’s discouraging to not feel God even when your head knows it’s not about feelings- it’s hard to communicate that thought to the heart.

Discipline is good, I know that somewhere in my brain, but my soul says it’s difficult. And sometimes it’s easy to doubt, and question. Is this worth it? Yes. A thousand times yes, but I have to make it past this moment where it seems unnecessary, and impossible. Sometimes I think I do more fighting with myself than other things or people.The journey doesn’t come easy, and sometimes it seems long and unending as I trudge along with no end in sight.

I’m not sugarcoating anything. It’s killing me, but I’m being honest here, so I hope you can relate to the trudging; to wearily fighting an uphill battle when half of you wants to follow gravity’s lead. I’m tired. I’m tired on the inside, and I don’t have all the answers. I don’t possess a perfect ending with every string tied in. I know somewhere within me that this is the best road. I’ve studied the others, and their head knowledge doesn’t even compute. I’ve watched them scorn the giver of life; I’ve watched them blame God for their problems. I don’t want to go that way so I’m following this road slowly, though I falter.

I’ve said it before: I covet your prayers. I love to know where you are on the journey. Don’t let this turn you off; I’m not always so bleak, but I don’t like to play Miss fake perfection here either. “Even though I walk through the shadow I will not fear”…I know, this is nothing. I live a good life. But at the moment I don’t care if I break I just want to feel again. I know, I know- be careful what you wish for.

The End

Categories: My Life, rants | Tags: , , , , , | 2 Comments

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