Posts Tagged With: direction


“I want to wake up kicking and screaming.
I want to live like I know what I’m leaving.
I want to know that my heart is still beating.”

I get so lost in the haze these days. Granted, I probably remember the past as being more simple than it truly was, but still… I’m looking for answers in what feels like a half-asleep daze, yet I dislike both those who claim to have simple, pat solutions and those who say “Your choice…I don’t want to sway you.” Why don’t we all come with instruction manuals?

I complain too much. I’ve got it good compared to many, both in mental and physical ways; to grumble about feelings of stagnation and apathy really doesn’t do anyone any good, but then what does? Someone told me “You did come with an instruction mainual– God’s Word.” It isn’t that simple. I don’t like change, but neither do I like rutstuckedness. I think I would take change over these feelings. Maybe I’ll meet God at camp and He will tell me what to do, but I have my doubts.

Doubts…I think I have all of the disciples’ weaknesses: doubting Thomas, impulsive Peter, wanting God to do what I expect is his plan and remove my troubles (for him the Romans) Judas. So many weaknesses and so few strengths. I wish I got directions in visions like Paul. “Go here. Do this.” But I guess we all have different versions of the thorn in the flesh to remind us of our humanness. That’s something I hope never to forget– my unworthiness and God’s grace. Our camp theme is going to be “It’s Not About Me”, something this grumbler could use to be reminded of. It’s about Him and His glory and His plan, even when I see no semblance of an organized plan in my life.

I need to get out of this fog. I want to wake up, know what I’m leaving, feel my heart beating, and really live, whether that means leaving the humdrum and mundane behind or learning to live voraciously in the midst of routine I do not know. I rather hope it is the former. Care to share any ideas of what has helped you to break out of spiritual ruts? I would love the help of The Body. Tell me, how do you keep from losing heart? How do you stay spiritually awake?

Categories: My Life, Ponderings | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Passion & The Shaping of Stories

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAI love the people. I’ve said that before from this platform with certainty. I’ve said it so many times because it is deeply true. The people are my passion, my love, my joy, and often the reason for my sorrows. I’ve wondered before if I could make it through the isolation test they put the astronauts through. I think the answer is yes…praying for the people.

It came in the mail last week, yet another college flier. I opened it because I hadn’t heard of that college before, and I liked the words on the cover. It was different. Inside above the list of majors was a poster which read “I’m______________, My Passion Is______________________” I’ve been thinking about those blanks this week, or more accurately about what should go in them. Currently I’m thinking something like “I”m a child of the King, my passion is His passion…people. ” which is, I’m sure, not at all what they were looking for. But it is the truth.

I’ve been wondering if I’ll be able to make it next year without the people. Without that generation, without my passion. And where can I love on the people the most? There is a major called humanities that draws me, but everyone says it is useless. I don’t want to spend my life on useless. So I wait in indecision while the earth goes around the sun. How can I leave the greatest mark on the people? That is the question at hand. I don’t know the answer.

Obsession is something I try not to do. I don’t want to miss now living in the future. I’m trying to love the people now, and I’m seeing the effects of that effort, though they may be small. She wanted to walk with me for gym. She with the pink hair, spiderbite rings, and burden. Her burden is displayed prominently on her leg — a tattoo gravestone, a date. She wanted to sit with me in bio. She with the blond hair and perfect fashion sense. I know her half sister, a sixth grader, but she doesn’t know that. I know of her boyfriend. I knew his last girl. They are precious in the King’s eyes and thus precious in mine. Some of them I have a harder time appreciating.

Letting the future loom I lose appreciation for today. Each day has enough trouble of it’s own, but I can’t seem to stop wondering and maybe worrying a little bit about future days. If I had a Facebook maybe it’s status would read “seeking direction”. Living without planning is something I’m good at in the short term, but in the long term it scares me a bit. Stories are shaped by choices. Not all choices are between good and bad; some are equally good, but different, though they both lead to the sea eventually. So I’ll live today, and wonder about tomorrow and what God would have me do with the passion He’s given me.

Categories: My Life, Ponderings | Tags: , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

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