Posts Tagged With: heaven

Falling apart

In the end everything always falls apart. It always hurts, at first as a sharp pain and later as a dull, ever-present ache. I’ve watched a couple of my friends, whose lives I used to joke were perfect in comparison with mine, go through hard times lately. It hurts to watch. I don’t believe in happy endings anymore. Or, maybe, in my head I do believe in them (I believe in Heaven, after all), but my heart contradicts that belief. I’ve watched every good, happy thing fall apart and injure those who cherish it; I’ve been through heartache myself. I cry a lot more than I used to. I read the Bible. I read about the righteous and the wicked, judgement day, repentance, hope…I listen to sermons.  I know that God can turn heartbreaking events into beauty, but it doesn’t feel that way. Yes, yes, feelings can be wrong, I know, but let me be raw and vulnerable, ok?

All around me there is so much pain…that I’m supposed to have the answer to. Another person trying to get by, get through another day. A few weeks ago, sitting in a parking lot waiting for my sister to get off work I overheard a tear filled conversation. “I’ll get through. I’m a big girl. Ok?” It was clear she was trying to convince herself as much as the person on the other end of the line. A conversation like that is only supposed to happen in a movie, a story that will be brought to a satisfying conclusion. But shattered people aren’t just in stories. They’re everywhere. Striving, sad, imperfect, struggling people fill the pews on Sunday, drive the streets, check out as I (just another person fighting through another day) bag for them at the grocery store, stand behind the register and check others out.

How can I, just another hurting member of the human race, help them? So often the broken don’t even want to heal, instead they embrace and work towards their own destruction. Maybe the only happy endings are the funerals of the saints, to which we wear black, at which we mourn. No surprise, humanity always seems to have everything backwards, from priorities to what we mourn. Here I stand, again, having exhausted my mind considering a question only to be still without answers. Any thoughts?

Categories: Ponderings, rants | Tags: , , , , , | 4 Comments

So Ready

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA“I feel like going home.”

“Beulah land, I’m longing for you.”

“I can’t feel at home in this world anymore.”

He tells me I’m young. I have a life to live. But what is that life in light of Heaven? I’ve never been oh so ready to meet my maker, to rest easy–like Bilbo in Rivendell–to be at peace. “To live is Christ and to die is gain.” I stay for the people. I love them. They need Jesus. I stay to “go ye therefore and make disciples…” To love them as He has loved me. Caring so much means my heart is torn out over and over again. I can’t save them, and they choose destructively often. But I stay. To love is to be as Christ to the people. But I fervently yearn to go. Maybe God will take me early. I’m homesick for Heaven; I’m ready to fly away “like a bird from these prison walls.” I am not afraid of death, no, I am ready.

Maybe saying that makes me apathetic or depressed. I would say it just makes me world worn. The monotonous repetitiveness of life drains me sometimes. I work every day for money I hardly care about. Everything repeats–large and small–there is nothing new under the sun. All is vanity. We are ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Who and what we are in between is complex and incomprehensible. Worldviews shaped by lives. Lives shaped by the choices of so very many people. Just when I think I finally understand someone in comes a new facet I had totally missed…

I think we fear death too much in the church today. Look back to the old songs and you catch that yearning for Heaven. Today we are entirely caught up in surviving and thriving and worshiping in the now. Which isn’t wrong entirely, but…the pleasures on this earth are merely appetizers, foretastes of the pleasure of Heaven. We devour them and chase them and still feel lack. At least, I do. We weren’t meant to live for the now. We were meant to live for the hope of then. To store our hope, our treasure in Heaven, for if our heart is there moth and rust cannot destroy and the thieves cannot break in and steal. If my hope is in that grand afterlife nothing and no one can take it from me. I like what C. S. Lewis said: “If I find myself with desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world.” Yes. The best of times here are echoes of what is to come.

I am ready to leave, but as I wait I’m going to invite as many of the lonely, broken people to come to my Father’s house with me as I can. I don’t force it down throats. But I try to live as His child. I try to show them why. And in a way, each day I say “Wait a little longer please Jesus. Just a few more days to get [my] loved ones in.” But sometimes I resonate much more with Rich’s word: “It won’t break my heart to say goodbye.” I am torn between two worlds. I am a sojourner here. But I belong there…”This is my temporary home.” Are you ready? Are you torn also? Are you reaching people for the Kingdom? Are you ready and prepared to finally go home? Oh, what a glorious day that will be!

Categories: My Life, Ponderings, rants | Tags: , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Reversing Blindness


Sometimes I wish that I could just make the right decisions for the people, or forcibly show them the light. Some days I wish I could take their place in eternity so they’d be happy finally, and know truth. Most days this imagined switch seems more likely them actually seeing reality, surrendering everything, admitting that they’ve been wrong, and actually changing (‘Cause, you know, sin is fun). Yeah, most days that seems beyond impossible. I care about them, and they care about me, and part of caring is respecting what the others believe. Force fed theology does not foster good friendships.

It’s the last year, the last chance, but I’m lip locked and tongue tied. I don’t know how to say what I want to, so I keep on believing that actions speak louder than words. I want my second, or fourth, or whatever family to know the truth and be set free, but half the time I don’t feel set free either, so who am I to witness? I will not lie. My actions will not lie either. They know I love them, and they know where I stand. The question is whether or not they will remember when we’re scattered to the four winds and the one to water or harvest the seed comes along. Will they care enough to change? How much more time is left? Each life is ticking. Will I regret my vocal silence?

These people are made in His image, and I see Him in each one. It makes me want to laugh and cry and scream all at once, because it is so beautifully, horribly tragic that those who are so much like God, who are so complex, can ignore Him so thoroughly. Sure, some would say they believe, but believing isn’t the same as changing. Admitting isn’t the same as confessing. Is God working in their hearts? Is He moving them gently from one stage to the next? Is He chasing them relentlessly as they rebel, play their music louder, and try to tune out His voice? The truth wrecks havoc that we like to deny. Belief demands change, but we like to say that God’s rescue is a free gift. Somewhere by the astric on the eighty-seventh page it says that because He died for us He asks us to live for Him, and in turn and forsake ourselves. We forget to mention that along with your new life you get a cross to carry, that you are to sacrifice yourself to gain more of Him, somehow. We always remember “My yoke is easy; my burden is light.”

Anything worth doing is worth working for. All is forgiven, so go and sin no more. Be humble. Minimize your victories and focus on fixing the wrong. (Yes, I know, that last bit isn’t biblical but…) The Church doesn’t live freedom and forgiveness. I don’t.  I live with voices of guilt saying “Do better.” I journey with burdens I claim to have laid down. We conveniently forget to mention the struggle, and the war. All is not won the instant I surrender my soul. No. Now Satan is really interested. Now there will be battles over me every single day. If I didn’t forget to mention all of the above then I would have to prove that the change is still worth doing, and I can’t do that. Only God can open the heart.

Oh, me of little faith! I can’t imagine God taking the scales off the eyes of those who pull on my heartstrings to this extent. I can’t imagine this big of a turnaround. I hope God proves the skeptic in me wrong. I want the ones so close to me to see the bright side of eternity and live on in peace and joy. I don’t want their choices to result in eternal torment even though I know it’s what we all deserve, so I desperately cry for the hundredth time: God work! Use me.

Categories: My Life, Ponderings, rants | Tags: , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Intangible God

DSCN1089In so many ways I cling to the tangible in my friendships–my imperfect, cluttered human relationships, none of which go as deep as I would like. I can’t see friends’ souls so I cling to smirks and gestures which are  the displayers of emotion, of soul behind skin. I cling to the tangible so it’s hard to claim to have a relationship with the unseeable, intangible One who already knows me better than I know myself. Sometimes I say I can feel His smile, but that’s not the same as seeing it; sometimes I think I can hear Him speak,  His words but a whisper on the wind, but that’s not the same as knowing a person by his voice. Now we see dimly, but someday we shall see face to face. I’m not patient though. I don’t want to wait for this elusive someday. I have no choice.

See, the curtain ripped but not all was revealed. I’m still dealing with the results of the fall, and (sometimes subconsciously) longing for something more. I can never know God well here on this earth, though I try, for my life here is but a shadow and a mist. Even so I must live for the fraction of Him that I do know. While still here I must strive to know more of God, and to serve Him with all of my being. I doubt that I will ever know God fully, not even in eternity, but then at least I shall see Him. I wonder what will be like to see someone I’ve known all my life but never seen. I wonder if his revealment will be the perfect fulfillment, a kind of duh moment– “Of course that’s what He looks like!”–or if seeing God will totally surprise me and unveil Him in ways I had never thought to see Him before.

I feel that what I am writing may be very difficult to follow. I know it is unpolished at best. This, among other reasons, is why I’ve not been writing lately. It’s not that I’ve not been thinking and growing, but rather that my thoughts grow increasingly more intertwined and harder to categorize as working towards a cohesive point or goal as the days drag on. Doesn’t that sound deep and philosophical?

Categories: My Life, Ponderings | Tags: , , , , , | 9 Comments

Brain Waves

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAI’ve really struggled with what to write about this week. I settled on this, a demonstration of scattered thought, and groping mind. It is not cohesive, but hopefully it is comprehensible. And yet, hopefully it is not, for who can take God and reveal Him as understandable? This follows the waves of my brain as they have left their marks on  paper.

Passion and emotions ebb and flow.  God is good always- even when I don’t understand. I think about how little I know of God, though my pride would have me believe that I know much. It is like the song which has washed in and out of my brain lately in cycles: Where have I even stood, but the shore along Your [God’s] ocean?” I know so little, and yet strength is made perfect in weakness. Yet when I am unfaithful He remains faithful, for He cannot deny Himself.

I deserve nothing but Hell. I have been saved, and yet I am ungratefully unsatisfied. I look at the empty meaninglessness around me numbly. I care, but I hate that I don’t hurt anymore. The lost are important to me, but importance seems nullified by my being void of emotion. When will this valley end? I must believe that it  will end. I’ve been second guessing my motivations lately. Second guessing my motivations and actions;  dwelling on scenarios, and should haves. I know it’s not healthy.

Maybe this post is cycling, and moving like some crazy tide- like my life- hopefully it makes some sense. Hope…hope has pulled me though much. God makes the nonsensical endurable even when I can’t see Him. Sight versus faith: you can’t combine them. We walk by faith, and not by sight, and sometimes that’s hard, actually, it’s hard most of the time. You can’t simplify the Christian walk; you can’t catch God and make Him understandable. You can’t make life in a fallen world all better. Yet I will trudge on relying on faith, hope, and…music.

Yes, music. There is something about music that sustains the soul. With these, and a great incomprehensible God who has inexplicably chosen to love and save me I shall face the crazy world. I shall endure until that brilliant someday when I will wade in the crystal sea, and begin to explore the immeasurable endless depths of who God is, and who I need to be in relation to that. Maybe then I will feel as well as know God, as the fog placed by the Enemy is lifted. All things begin, and end with God, and all thought regarding Him should end with talk of  the brilliant someday when we will finally see His face. So this post shall end here, but the thinking shall continue, as my finite self tries to grasp my infinite Creator Lover Savior. Our God is awesome, and deserves our praise!

Categories: Ponderings | Tags: , , , , , , | 7 Comments


OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAAnd I wonder if I’m reverting. Between the rereading journal entries from a couple of years ago the other night, and the book Nastya reccomended…Have I lost a childlike faith? Am I shrinking instead of growing or is it just the lack of emotion these days? Is this guilt Holy Spirit conviction, or Enemy oppression? It’s not like I’m not trying, but am I missing something crucial? I’m leaning towards the belief that this is Holy Spirit conviction, and the loss of a childlike faith.

Not that I have no faith mind you. These blog posts have not been lies. I don’t know how to explain it…When  intimacy with, and excitement over God go out the window there are long hard nights. When did I lose that; where did I go wrong? Did I go wrong? And most importantly: How do I get that closeness back? The questions crowd each other for room in my heart. I miss the old times. Is there something I have to surrender, or is this just one of those times when God seems hard to get? If so, then why does my whole life seem like seem like it’s made up of those times lately? I don’t know why I’m sharing these questions with you. Maybe you have the answers, or, more likely, you are asking too.

I used to have the gift of intercession. I would stay up at night passionately praying. I never understood why people had problems with praying. Praying in front of people? Yes, that’s too easy to turn into a show. But just pouring your heart out to God, and feeling His love? What’s hard about that? I used to have a deep yearning for Heaven. I eagerly longed for my Forever Home with great anticipation. I didn’t want to wait. Where these things have gone I cannot say. I caught a glimpse of the Heaven yearning the other day. I wish it would come back for good.

I still read my Bible, and I still pray. Maybe not the same as I used to, but I still do those things. The song says it’s when you stop doing those things that you shrink. But things seem empty now. I’m beginning to wonder if it’s because I’ve lost the kind of  prayer discussed in the link above, and the worship in the link below. I still believe. I cannot deny God and what He has done. I do more than just believe. I try to worship, and I try to act like His child. But it’s not the same anymore. I used to breathe prayer. I made it a habit. Where did I go wrong? How do I get that real devotion back. Am I reverting?

*As a side note here. I don’t think that belief is solely based on feelings. I am trying to get back to where I was, and seek deeper things. I don’t want anyone to lose faith because of this post. What’s happening here is just one step on the journey, and the feelings of one time. God is good all the time, even when I don’t feel Him.*

Categories: My Life, Ponderings | Tags: , , , , , , , | 10 Comments

Still Fighting

Compromise. Staleness. These are the things I run from. I want to be growing even as my body is dyeing. The soul lives on. I don’t believe that we’ll start from scratch when we get to heaven; I believe that we’ll ascend from the level we’re on spirituality. We may learn faster, and more accurately, but the lessons we gain here will be necessary for growth too. What are the lessons I’m acquiring right now? Where are the places I am growing? I’m struggling with the whole weaker vessel thing. I don’t exactly abhor it; it’s just irritating and confusing. Why? How does that mirror God’s image? I’m struggling with the repetition of of the steps I need to advance spiritually: it’s not that I’m not repeating them, but it just seems like they get boring.

I know, how can I say that? God is amazing, and the privilege of being His child should enthrall me. But it gets old after every. single. day. I’m still plodding, but I wish something would shock me- boost me. As she said:  “There has got to be more to life than this. Because why not?  If people can create such fantastic worlds in their own heads, why on earth couldn’t God’s Great Plan for real life be even better, if I really wanted it?”  The truth is I don’t know because I don’t understand the big picture like God does.

Compromise. Staleness. The things I’m supposed to be running from. All it takes is just one little step…I require a lot of energy to stay motivated. This journey doesn’t come naturally to me. It’s easier to follow the highway than this deertrail through the sticks. The main road is calling. I fight against the sea of people who’ve turned back, and I set my eyes upon yet another mountain  They’re going downhill. But I’m not giving up yet. That’s what Satan wants; that’s what the world wants. When I reach the end of me I know I’ll find the beginning of Him. How many have turned back two inches short of the end of their rope? Rest assured I’m not going to let that be me.

It’s tempting, but I’m still pushing on. I’m not giving up yet. I hope that’s a comfort to you, fellow travelers. His ways are higher than my ways. Sometimes it takes all the trust that I can muster to allow him to use me. but thankfully I don’t have to understand; I just have to trust and obey. As yet I can do that, so I’ll keep running from compromise and staleness into the arms of my Maker. I’ll keep fighting this uphill battle. I know He’s worth every single step.

Categories: My Life, rants | Tags: , , , , | 7 Comments

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