Posts Tagged With: love

Poems: Experiential & Elaboration

Camp was good. Life has been busy since then so I’m behind. Maybe eventually there’ll be a post here about camp, but maybe not. I make no promises. Anyhow, for now, here are two poems that I had written before camp, but hadn’t had a chance to put up. The first is based on experience, the second is an elaboration on this Pinterest quote about an oxymoron we moronic humans often live.

I miss you every day,
Both in ways I know and can’t explain.
Remember when you said
I’d forget,
No one cared,
That the world would be better off without you here?
You were wrong.
You took your life (relatively) long
And I know
That my grieving will never end.
The world’s a darker place without you, and
I know reliving choices…regret,
I know regret won’t help me get
Bet whether
You’re in Haven or Hell,
That’s at least partly my responsibility
I can’t help feeling your choice was affected by disability.
It’d be fine
If we could switch eternal destinations,

Your past versus mine…
But, much to my frustration,
Things don’t work that way.
Everyone pays for his deeds.
God, please,
Did you help him see at the last instant?
I can’t
Handle life with a smile as I used to.
People ask if I’m ok. Do
I need someone to talk to?
But talking doesn’t help me get over you.
I hate depression like some people hate cancer.
As with that there is no answer,
No cure.
I watch depression’s vicious cycle take more
Into its grip.
I watch as they slip
Beyond where I can reach,
And I die a little more each
Not all truths rhyme:

I’m beginning to think there’s nothing I could change even if I could rewind.

So I’ll drink another draught from the cup of sorrow,
Sleep, awake, and face tomorrow.


And she wished upon a dream
That her secrets would be seen
For what they were by some wild, keen

And that he would excavate her soul
Unearthing pieces, sketching a whole
Portrait of her true person
He heart in the nude, un-shrouded from role

And in her fervent prayers and fears
She hoped his heart would ever steer
Closer to the truth of her feral, rearing self.

That someone be less afraid of
Her ugliness than she.
That man-child, made of tender persistence
Could see in her beauty…
Mine her depths,
Find something to cherish
In the wreck,
Fight and not perish
Against inner battlements she’d set up.
That he might, somehow, fall in love.

I tend to like the first one better. I’d love to know your thoughts and/or critiques!



Categories: Poems | Tags: , , , | 3 Comments


You missed the first snow today. I remember when you used to wrestle the Vo Tech kids in the snow and put snow down the back of my neck on the bus, or touch my cheek with the back of your cold (yet warm, very alive) hand. I remember how you would laugh and smile then. Back then it reached your eyes. And you would get off the bus and start pelting your brothers.

I wonder if where you are there is beauty. I hope you made it to the beautiful place; I hope I will see you again, but I am unsure. Sometimes I doubt. I wonder what the dark place feels like. I know God has mercy, but I also know you had to choose. I know depression had your mind in its grip, had you believing lies and half truths. I know you knew truth. We talked about it so many times.

I facebooked the lyrics to a song you liked before you chose death. Technically it was a status, but really it was to you. We talked through lyrics like that. “Dreamer, child, be cautious of this world. She has an appetite for boys and girls, and she’s hungry for your soul.” I told you that your ending yourself was what the darkness wanted. It wasn’t an end to the pain as it seemed, but an embracing of pain forever. It was closing the door to hope.

I see the darkness reaching out for the others now. It wants to suffocate them too. But what Satan meant for evil…your death is driving some of them to find truth. But the darkness fights for them all that much harder then, afraid they’ll be lost to freedom and light. Maybe they shall be. I hope.

You are ever in my mind. Things come back…memories, words that I had forgotten. Oh so many memories. Occasionally I still catch myself thinking of something to tell  you, only to realize that I can’t . Your family is lost without you. You never realized how many lives you touched, though I tried to convince you. “This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you.”

You had great flaws, had many weaknesses. I cannot begin to count how many times I backhanded you for swearing…But I loved you. Love covers over a multitude of sins. I was attached to you, and I still am, only now you aren’t here, and there is ever always this empty ache of something missing. I don’t want that ache to ever go away.

Categories: Ponderings | Tags: , , , , , , | 4 Comments

For Good

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAI prayed so hard that this day wouldn’t come. I never wanted it to come to this. That one of my very closest friends would hang himself…I had hoped that he wouldn’t have the nerve. I had prayed for him more than I’ve prayed for anyone else ever, even years before I knew he had had these thoughts. Now there is denial  and anger and there were tears, but mostly I am okay now. I am here to love and help the people, to be their safe place, to point them to God. Because that is who I am. That is what I do always.

I have few regrets. I wish I had checked my Facebook sooner, wish I had stopped and chased him that day. That was what he wanted–for someone to chase him and prove he was loved. But we talked about God, and that is what matters. Take it from me…don’t chicken out. Life is short and fragile and uncertain. Fulfill the great commission in a good and gentle way always. Make the most of every opportunity, for the days are evil. Love the people. Point them to God. That is the only thing that really matters in the end.

God is using this. It is one thing to say that God uses evil for good, but it is another thing to  see it all around you. God has opened doors for me to minister to so many more beautiful, broken people through this. He is reaching them. And there are Christians praying against the darkness which still wants to use this for its purposes. This is a very real battle here, but what God is doing is nothing short of amazing. I serve a great, powerful, and very good God.

The story isn’t over yet. I don’t have a conclusion for this post. I am still in the midst of everything: mourning the loss of a friend, hoping he made the right choice about God in the end, watching open mouthed as God brings both people I had been working to love and people I had subconsciously labeled as nearly hopeless cases to Him through this. I pray that He gives me the right words to say. Right now I know that I am undoubtedly right where he wants me to be, and I know that he is using me. And that is amazing. Now I just pray that my humanness doesn’t get in the way and mess things up, though God works in weakness.

I guess, for now, if you take anything from this post it should be this: God is good. God is good absolutely positively all the time.


Categories: My Life, Ponderings | Tags: , , , , , , | 8 Comments

Moment of Truth

Life stopped again in a hallway, the hallway. OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAAs I walked through the temporarily empty school corridor I realized again how much I love them. These people mean the world to me. I realized again that time is running short-temporarily and forever-but somehow my failures to act in the moment didn’t sting as much this time. Those moments of fullness don’t last, but their truth remains: I love and care for these people, I am deeply connected to them, and I’m running out of time.

The truth comes in little moments, and small traditions. There’s a boy on the bus that I swap candy with. He’ll give me a piece of gum (or some such thing) and keep one for himself, and a few days later I’ll give him a jolly rancher, or the like, and either have mine, or give it away also. He’s about twelve; we don’t talk much, but we share something much deeper than sugar. One day, after I had had an especially hard day he was eating a Daffins chocolate bar, and I (half serious, not really expecting anything) said I’d had a bad day and asked if he would break me off a section. We bantered back and forth a bit, then I went back into my own world, only to find, moments later, a section of chocolate bar in my peripheral vision. I couldn’t stop thanking him, though he pretty much remained mute. My day got better, but it wasn’t just because of the chocolate.

It isn’t always that simple, of course. They’re not all that easy to love. I find myself gravitating to the rough ones, the transparent ones. Yes, they’re far from perfect, but at least they don’t pretend to be. I struggle with the preppy “Christians” living their lies. I struggle with whether my preferences are Christ like or not. He didn’t like fakers either. I struggle with the balance between standing up for yourself and others and turning the other cheek. I wonder if they know I love them, that I appreciate them. If I thanked some of them I know it would freak them out.

Internally I embrace them. In Stargirl’s words I want to “Take from the day…[and] give to the night.”, to take from God’s fullness of glorious light and give it  to them in the dark. So, I’ve been praying for them a lot today-them and other people-anyone who comes to mind really. It’s been a meditative day. It’s been an interesting week. Each day God brings new surprises, some good, some scary. Sometimes days are what you make them; sometimes days are just what they are. I wonder what the summer will bring.

In so many ways I just want to stay here in the swing of things with the people, the ups and downs, and the love (compassionate, imperfect, messy love), but  that is not meant to be. As Ananias Nin said in the quote I’m planning to hang on my locker: “Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.” I do not want to die that kind of death so I will keep moving, if reluctantly, towards the new people and stories that the future holds  treasuring moments of fullness, pain, love, and joy along the way.

Categories: My Life, Ponderings | Tags: , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Tho’ Hope is Frail

“Tho’ hope is frail it’s hard to kill.”   That quote hit me hard the first time I heard it, and it’s hit me hard every time since. Though hope is frail it’s hard to kill…the song is about miracles, and believing. The struggle-praying when you don’t feel anything, fear, distance. Looking back and seeing that it’s so worth it through the hard times. The walk isn’t easy. Sometimes it’s so hard to just stand, to just pray, because I can’t always save the day. That’s kind of where I am at right now. Standing, and searching for the others that stand with me. Often I am disappointed. Often it feels like I stand alone with tears, and pray for the world below, although I know that there must be others somewhere.

We abandon the meat of Christianity. We despise the things we call morbid. Finding one of my favorite authors who wasn’t afraid to expose the brutality of dyeing so you might live mixing his metaphors; losing his purpose. Dissapointment. I want to find the meat, I want to meditate on truth. I don’t want cotton candy Christianity. Give me truth, make it applicable now. So many times I don’t think the older generation has a clue what they are sending us into. So many come unprepared and fall. You can never be fully equipped. I’m hoping, I’m trying to be the phrase love always hopes. I’m trying to expect the best in people, and be vulnerable, but it’s hard after being let down so many times. “Tho’ hope is frail it’s hard to kill.

Loving fully, hoping deeply, believing with all of my beng. It’s a high calling. It can’t be done without Christ. Joy through the hard times is a precious thing. Family to return home to after a long day in the cold dark world. Going to God to rejuvenate the flame when hope begins to flicker. Trying to rely on God every step of the way, and failing miserably, then coming back to open arms. It’s a beautiful broken road that we’re traveling. The ancient path may be difficult, but it is not without fulfillment. If I look hard enough there are others out there. The world tries to hide them. Satan doesn’t want us to know there is an army around us. But sometimes he doesn’t succeed, and sometimes there are late nights of laughter, and prayer. Tho’ hope is frail it’s hard to kill” so I will carry on.

Categories: My Life, Ponderings | Tags: , , , , , | 4 Comments

A Rant

The church: a broad overarching statement including all of God’s people from all walks of life, and denominations. I think God is OK with walks of life; I sometimes wonder about denominations. People ask how we’re going to get along in heaven, and the truth is I don’t know. Half the time we’re not even fighting Satan down here; we’re fighting each other. This frustrates me.

I’m not a “Let’s all hold hands , and be friends now.” kind of person. I believe  that conflict is valid, and should be confronted, but I also don’t think it’s necessarily to argue about every little nitty-gritty itty-bitty detail. A good respectful debate about the small stuff? Sure, I’m all for it, but a division within God’s people? That’s something else.

Why do we let this happen? It hurts so many people. Forgiveness, acceptance, denial are all different things, but overall don’t we believe the same? I’m not saying we should deny our differences, but should we let them define us? A squabbling church turns off a watching world. We accomplish so much more when we work together. What happened to “Your kingdom come… on earth as it is in heaven.”?

I realize this is much easier said than done. I realize that I’m wrestling with ideals here (we’re are still human), but if we let Jesus love for us permeate and rule, if we refused to be stumbling blocks to each other couldn’t we at least improve? Or is it asking too much to seek grace from those to whom unlimited, and undeserved grave has been given? Are my expectations too high for the behavior of the children of God?

Categories: Ponderings, rants | Tags: , , , , | 4 Comments

Interactions and Consequences

They come and they go and I love them. Vulnerability isn’t easy. Ripping away is never fun. God has called me to love them, and not just the easy ones: “Love your enemies.” I’m a fighter, I don’t like loving my enemies, I like fighting them. But our struggle is not against flesh and blood is it? It’s harder to fight these things I can’t see. It’s harder to fight fear, and sin, and rejection. It’s harder to fight against myself, and my own sinful desires than the rest of the world. It’s hard to both follow, and fight that which I cannot see. It’s hard to lead others, and help open their eyes.

There is a realer reality behind this touchable world; it plays a huge part in our journeys even when we can’t identify it. A lot of emotions are churning here right now; I don’t know if anything I’m saying makes sense, but it’s where I am. A turning point is coming my way, and I can’t see around the corner. My choices now effect everything: my visible life, the invisible, others around me. It’s a lot of pressure. Being an example, seeking role models, and trying to discover God’s plan for both the rest of my life, and today. There’s a million forks in the road, and a million possibilities. Sometimes I wish I could see the future, but other times I don’t know if I could handle it.

I want to be set apart, and different. Anyone can love someone who loves them; even the demons believe in God. I know I haven’t posted on here in a while, but I’m still here, and I’m still fighting. I hope you’re still fighting too. This fight goes on till we die and beyond; we’re only small characters in the drama.  As they come and go keep loving them, keep being vulnerable, keep playing your part. Every word, every thing we do is significant, yes, but don’t forget to have fun. Being wallowed down in regrets is no fun. I know, I’ve been there, and now I’m moving on.

Categories: My Life, Ponderings | Tags: , , , , , | 5 Comments

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