Posts Tagged With: pondering

Mess Of Ponderings

I think I shall go buy a new wardrobe because the old one doesn’t suit me anymore. How cliche, money-wasting, and impulsive, right? Did I mention that, yet again, it is late and I am writing even though I have to get up at an udgodly hour for work? Old habits never change, do they? Nor do old sins. I struggle with the same things over and over, as any faithful reader of my blog would attest. Meanwhile, Christian movie reviewers at condemn this film partially ( I get that there are other condemning factors) for its underlying theme–questioning people’s ability to truly change. I look around me and within myself and question too.

Anyhow, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is a thought provoking movie. Its premise has been the start of several fascinating conversations at work regarding whether or not coworkers would want any portions erased from their memories…when I get the chance to talk. Sometimes it feels like people only listen as a courtesy, and promptly butt in unleashing their problems as soon as a civil point for opening that topic presents itself. But I suppose I have no room to complain. Recently I went to my self-assigned honorary grandmother’s house (she’s a coworker). It only took a few caring questions, and then there was no turning off my babbling. I felt guilty after…but sometimes a person needs to just get everything out, you know? She thinks God wants me to stay at this job right now. I’m not so sure.

Speaking of needing to get it all out… I got a call while at work the other day from an elderly customer. She wanted to know about dog food, although she didn’t yet have a dog, nor any especially hopeful prospects of obtaining one. It ended up that we discussed much more than dog food, however. She told me of her heart problems, she has them like her dad did only worse. They didn’t have the money  to fix him, so his killed him, and her problems, well, they’re past the point that doctors can fix them even though she (apparently) has money, yet she is bound and determined that she’s going to go join the military. After all “Everyone in this town is a nutcase. Don’t you think so?” She ended off saying she’d pray  for me. She just needed someone to talk to. Sometimes I think I get along with the old and the young better than anyone else.

I don’t know where this post is heading or where to end. Nothing has changed since last post. I’m still drawn to the new, but allowing my comfort zone and financial state to hold me back. I thought recently of the title of a John Piper book I once read, though I didn’t particularly care for it:” Don’t Waste Your Life”. Much like the book trailer for Rosalie de Rosset’s “Unseduced and Unshaken”, his title drew me–the questions suggested by it are compelling–but I found the book to be an unsatisfactory answer. How does one go about not wasting his life? How does one gain the willpower to be unseduced and unshaken? Where is the key to fulfillment, and strength, and dignity? Most Christians are afraid to go at  those questions with anything less that Sunday School answers, so, I suppose, to these authors’ credit, at least they tried. Anyhow, I’m once again off topic, and the hour is late. Unfortunately, sleep is a necessity  as is my dull job, at least until I happen upon something better. I suppose this post is naught but a mess of ponderings.

Goodnight my friends.




Categories: Journey Prologues., Ponderings | Tags: , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Exploration of Labels


I have love hate relationship with labels. Have I said that here before? I think maybe I’ve discussed my disdain for them, but not the fact that they inevitably pull me. If you label something you are claiming to understand it, and sometimes I would like nothing more than to understand myself. So, this week’s post will be a little bit different–an exploration of my assigned labels. Hopefully that’s not too weird or boring? I don’t want to waste your time, but I will say this: Sometimes the more you understand others and their labels the more you can understand yourself.

I suppose the best place to start would be with my most evident label–Christian. This one has many variations, from Bible Thumper, which is my least favorite, to Jesus Freak, or Christ Follower, which I prefer. One thing I hate about this stamp is that it is so often synonymous to “hypocrite” or “faker”. When “Christian” is associated with those words it becomes an oxymoron because  Jesus was real; He is real, and even though He is perfect He didn’t shun the not so subtle sinners while He was on this earth. In fact, He spent His time with the delinquents of His day and called the religious hypocrites on their facade. “White washed tombs” isn’t a pretty label to bear from the Savior of the world. Jesus isn’t a faker, Jesus isn’t an elitist, so why are we letting a name for His followers come to mean those things? I live to challenge peoples’ perception of this label by representing Christ well.

I think the second most frequent label that I receive is some variation of “he woman” or the idea behind it. It’s interesting because I get these titles slapped on me in so many different tones with so many different intents. At first people will say it in surprise, my friends often use it as an expression of affection, other times it is turned into a taunt, and sometimes it’s used as a kind of praise word after I accomplish some supposedly manly feat. This one has been something I’ve wrestled with a bit, though I like to think I’ve come to terms with it now. It never really offended me (I’ve always said that it’s hard for mocking words to hurt someone who knows who she is.), but still it has incited much late night pondering over the years. I think my favorite variation of this theme thus far was being called “Chuck Norris’ daughter”. Someone was in a really weird mood when they thought that one up.

A third label, which I used to get a lot, but don’t get so much anymore is “homeschooler”. People say this word with about a hundred connotations from sheltered freak to automatically amazing intellectual. Both sides of the spectrum frustrate me, because really homeschoolers are human. We’re just like everyone else. We can be shy, outgoing, smart, average, struggling, hippie, preppy, Catholic, Mormon…you name it. Probably the most aggravating combination of labels to have is homeschooler and Christian. Just because I’m both doesn’t make me a timid, submissive, future homemaker kind of girl. Blimey Cow sums up my opinion on this label pretty well, if you can stomach the cheeseyness, that is.

Those are my top three. Maybe it’s weird that I’ve thought about them so much. Maybe it’s weird to write a blog post devoted to them. But then again, weird is another one of the labels I receive frequently, and I wouldn’t want to let my critics down. Sometimes it’s hard to separate myself from the labels. Even though I know who I am, I struggle to put it down in words, and so I wonder to what extent the words used to describe me are correct. Sometimes, for fun, I try to find more accurate descriptive words like empath, or codependant, but none of them are fully accurate either. I’ve often wondered how differently the people from separate spheres of my life perceive me. I’ve often wondered if I am the ever negatively referenced chameleon, because I know they see me differently. But that’s another post topic for another time. For now, I’ll end by turning this self searching to you. What labels have you received, and how do you feel about them? Someday God will give Christ followers a new label that fits perfectly, but for now it’s worth considering these earthly labels, and hoping to be labeled as He was.


Categories: My Life, Ponderings | Tags: , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Old Souls

“Gonna let the tide, and the time, and the tears wash my body clean.”

~La Conchinta

Old soul crying by the ocean. If I could make myself look how I feel…what then? I’d be old, yet reborn; I would be mysterious.  Right now trust is meeting the struggle, and I’m finally OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAcontent again. For the moment. I love the old souls; the fighting ones. It’s hard for me to let go of the few that I’ve found.

The strong of will, body, and heart attract me. Let me be strong too, but be stronger. Be weathered, and splintered beach wood, and I will embrace the art. The old and time-worn ones have been cut to the core. Only their truth remains. They’ll climb a mountain, laugh at the sea, and fight for what they believe in. Right or not they are strong, though not always honest-hiding under tough exteriors.

I sing of, long for, and love their kind. There’s the challenge to see if they’ll let me in; There’s camaraderie as we wonder together at the merciless souls, and the beautiful wilderness. We look at our generation, and don’t know weather to laugh or cry at their youth and stupidity. We may be youths, but what we’ve found goes deeper. 

Old soul crying by the ocean. I am like you. Let me be your friend.

(Something I wrote the other day.)

Categories: My Life, Ponderings | Tags: , , , , , | 7 Comments

People Watching

Most of the hours of my day are very busy, but still, many are spent pondering. Lately when I first sit on the bus I  have used that time for people watching. Seated in number fifteen, my mind lost out the window watching throngs of students exit the school. The romantics, the popular, the geek, the loner, two ‘bffs’. The disheveled, those who have it all together, some staring into space, and others caught mid-laugh as they walk out the door. You may think I’m stereotyping too much, I don’t mean to, but at a glance there’s not much else to go by. It’s a silent movie: no voices but the ones crying out from their eyes, no music but the pace of their footsteps. It’s a generation of seeking hearts lost in a treacherous world. It’s my daily missions trip.

As I observe those broken thirsty hearts out my window, each disappearing into their designated bus, the time I have here seems so fleeting. It’s not enough. But as I walked through the empty halls between periods today I realized that I’m not alone. I have a C.S. Lewis quote on my locker; now there are three other lockers with verses on them. Last year there weren’t any. I don’t even know all of my fellow soldiers but I know that I am not alone, that God is encountering the world every day here. The others and I are tied with an invisible bond, we are brothers and sisters in Christ. Thank God for His children! His light is invading the darkness in all of it’s beautiful radiance. You can’t understand light until you’ve seen it in darkness. Piercing rays are all the more treasured when one understands what it is that they’re piercing through. Through all of the sorrows, the shattered, the sinful. I cry out over the darkness to my Father over the lostness of my peers, it’s evident in so much more than their faces. But I praise Him, I thank Him, I shed tears of joy that there are those who know truth in this place. I only pray that they are displaying that truth, and holding their lights high.

I didn’t know quite how to start this blog, or what to say. But I will say this: my writing is pondering also. Where I pause for a half hour to do self-examination, imagine, or worship God. Today I am sharing my ponderings with you. I’m letting you witness through my eyes the mission field I have been given. As Ezekiel, I have not been called to a foreign land; I have been called here to the needy in my front yard. And as it was for Ezekiel, they are much less likely to accept the solution to their brokeness than a foreigner. It’s easy to watch them pass by, it’s easy to feel sympathetic for how needy they are. It’s so much harder to actually reach out. But it’s worth it. I know, I’ve done it. To reach out beyond myself and point their questioning in the right direction means so much more than I could ever express in words.What’s your mission field? What are you pondering today? Don’t let anyone or anything stop you from experiencing the bliss of revealing a glimpse of light to those in darkness. Nothing quite compares. Nothing comes close to the look in their eyes when they first see the light. Ever.

Categories: My Life, Ponderings | Tags: , , , | Leave a comment

Blog at