Posts Tagged With: rant



Two potential blog topics have been bouncing around in my head. Honestly, they don’t mesh well, but I think I’ll have a go at conjoining them regardless.


First (and I know I’ve said this before); It isn’t fair. It isn’t fair that I’m saved and not my nonbelieving friends. If our roles reversed as far as upbringing I’m nearly sure that our beliefs would switch as well. If you aren’t a Christian by your late teens, statistically the chance you’ll become one decreases sharply.

Also, some of them have tried. Nearly all have appealed to God at some point, put their money on Christianity… Over and over I hear “It didn’t make a difference.”, “God didn’t answer.”, “I didn’t feel Him.”. I get that God is not a genie. I understand. But that does not mean I don’t hold out some anger, some resentment. I know of those who tried God, got their ‘sign’, and are with Him today. Why didn’t my friends get answers? “Do not test the Lord your God.” Yes, yes I know, but…I’d give anything for the many I care about to have found Salvation. Seasoned skeptics let down by God and the church discourage me more than most anything else. There, I said it–I have a grudge against God.

If anyone decides not to shun me they can read on now to hear my next non-original thought. That is that there is a reason for God’s rules. We break them in search of temporary happiness or satisfaction or pleasure, and we get burnt, short term or long term, sooner or later.I’ve discovered this in my own life, but also on 7 cups. Open relationships aren’t Biblical; they don’t work. You get hurt, wonder why your significant other doesn’t trust you… Call me a simpleton  but to me it’s obvious. I hold my tongue there and try to sympathize a bit more, of course. After all, don’t we all break God’s law only to discover why it was there in the first place? Maybe not. Maybe I’m the only one who learns most things through mistakes. Ah well, I can serve as a counterexample for the rest of you.


Anyways, those are my two points; that is my poorly written blog post. Now I’m off to hopefully get at least five and a half hours of sleep before work in the morning. Goodnight.


Categories: My Life, Ponderings | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Who I am

Maybe I’m selfish and maybe I talk too much or maybe I don’t keep secrets and promises well enough. Maybe I’m at my weakest now, or maybe I’m at my strongest. Maybe (like everyone says) this chapter of my life will seem insignificant someday, but I don’t think so.  I’m trying, and I’m failing, and I’m flailing about, maybe not accomplishing anything other than to make some waves…waves that I don’t want to make. Maybe I’m thinking too much, because I have the time. Maybe I’m too impulsive, or too pushy, and maybe I hurt more people than I help. Don’t try and tell me otherwise. I didn’t write this post so you would tell me I’m wrong. To be human is to be deeply flawed, and not always beautifully so. Often my flaws are ugly, and everyone knows I’m no good at hiding things. I’m not even good at hiding the ugly parts of me.

I know less now than I ever did. For instance, I don’t understand how it is fair that I came into a Christian family. People are shaped so deeply  by the circumstance of their childhoods. If I had grown up in his or her shoes I would be just as against Jesus. Who we are is so complicated, and the gospel is so simple. How is it fair to judge people by that one choice when their reasons for making that choice, the things that shaped their perception and worldviews, were in the hands of God? I don’t know. I don’t get it.

Maybe I complain too much. Who am I to complain? I live in America the home of the free. I have so much, yet I say that my life is in shambles. It sure feels that way. When it rains it pours, and it’s pouring on me, something new and stressful every day. But someone always has it worse. Maybe I’m not thankful enough. People I know don’t like who I’m becoming–pessimistic, critical, melancholy. No one wants to be around someone like that. I get that. But sunshine and rainbows seems very trite right now. I don’t really want to be happy.

I ask for truth. Maybe I ask for more than truth. I’m told I push too much. I care. I don’t mean to hurt people. I don’t mean to be this way. Sometimes I would like to be in a coma, oblivious. I’m tired of it all. I’m tired of failing over and over. Hurt me, be honest with me, tell me what you don’t like about me. Even if it hurts me, even if it kills me, I still want that. I still want to see peoples’ souls. I want to understand. Not because I can fix it, not because I know all the answers, just because. That is who I am. Maybe who I am hurts who he is and who she is. I don’t know. I don’t know much of anything anymore.


Categories: My Life, rants | Tags: , , , , , , , | 3 Comments


OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAIt’s been a short week (Why doesn’t anyone ever say that– a short week?) full to the brim and busy. Moving from one thing to the next, the days blur together in fast forward. Sometimes I wonder what peace feels like. Maybe it’s a room with blue walls that is silent. Maybe it’s every word, every thought in my head spelled out on paper, no longer competing for prominence. Maybe it’s hearing God say “Well done.”, or feeling wrapped up in His love. If the wrestling in my heart was resolved maybe there would be peace, but at this point I have little hope of that happening so I fight on.

Mostly I fight against myself, which is very inefficient and frustrating. I don’t really try to stop the conflict; I don’t know why.Perhaps part of me knows that would be impossible. Would it? And would peace be worth the difficulty of slowing that fight, of stopping it? Would it be worth the sacrifice? Honestly I doubt it would, and I suspect that maintaining the peace would be just as difficult as attaining it.

I’m sorry. This is another unhappy, pity party post that you’re wading through. It’s probably choppy too, since I’m tired. It’s not that my life is hard, on the contrary I’m extremely blessed. I have much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving: I am surrounded by people who love me regardless of how messed up I am, I’m an American and thus free to write  whatever I like, I have food and clothes, there is a God who loves me… I must seem very ungrateful  when I should be thankful that I even have the opportunity to be busy with work and education and people.

Indeed, I am blessed physically and spiritually, but I get stuck in what I lack, mostly spiritually. I get mad at myself. I feel guilty. But you didn’t come here to hear about my failings.  Honestly, I don’t know why you come . I can’t even claim that it’s because I’m real (not that I lie here, it’s just the omissions) so I don’t know why you come back to read.

There’s a song that says “This is your life, are you who you want to be? This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be when the world was younger, and you had everything to lose?” I wonder if anyone can answer yes to those questions and say that they are who they aspired to be when they were young. I cannot. I didn’t aspire to be too busy to think, or the be wrestling with myself, but such is life I guess.  You never attain perfection. Maybe perfection is another word for peace.

Categories: My Life, rants | Tags: , , , , , | 4 Comments


OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAShe spoke of when she wrestled with this in past tense. She spoke of coming to terms.But I don’t know if I can ever come to terms with a Romans 9 God who chooses, as it seems, on a whim. “I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy.” Justice I can deal with– a God who lets you get what you deserve. Then, even everyone going to Hell is logical and acceptable.

But creating a solution, a hope, a way to salvation, and not offering it to all? That I am against. I love the people. God does too, better than I. God is good, God is righteous…God forces people to love Him? God hardens people’s hearts? I know that not all will be saved. I thought I knew that God desired all of His people to come to Him; I thought I knew so many things.

This I know: God is real. Why don’t these things that the Bible says line up with what I know of Him? Why don’t they feel right? Why does the church stuff those  issues in  the closet and ‘forget’ to deal with them? Are we afraid of a little controversy along the search for truth? Give me truth or go away and preach to those who want the abridged version without the pain, and the struggle, and the wrestling.

Because I want to believe the truth, but I don’t want to believe that this is truth.  God is the ultimate standard of good. Does the ultimate standard of good elect some and not others? What kind of parent would not will the best for all of His children? What kind of parent offers the good gift (the best gift) to only a few? Answer me this. Rock my faith. At least I am seeking. At least I am not stagnant.

I miss simplicity. The Bible hasn’t changed. I’ve been reading the same words all along. I’ve heard them a hundred times. “Jacob I have loved, and Esau I have hated.” Where did that come from? Why Jacob the liar, cheater, thief? He was no better than Esau.

Who am I to question God? Will I be struck dead? She says “to begin being a thinking Christian is urgent…” , but I think I understand why so many just swallow the tidbits thrown on them at Sunday mornings. It’s easier. To not think is easier than thinking, less risky. What if I find something that I don’t like? What if no one has satisfactory answers?

And yet the things I’ve learned from thinking hold me here. God is real. God is real because of so many truths: mental, historical, scientific. In this turbulence I need a solid anchor, and I have one. I will not walk away from God. But I want answers. Even the demons believe in God. I will never not believe, but this is causing some trust issues. I need to get this worked out. (No happy ending here.)

Categories: My Life, rants | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 17 Comments

A Rant

The church: a broad overarching statement including all of God’s people from all walks of life, and denominations. I think God is OK with walks of life; I sometimes wonder about denominations. People ask how we’re going to get along in heaven, and the truth is I don’t know. Half the time we’re not even fighting Satan down here; we’re fighting each other. This frustrates me.

I’m not a “Let’s all hold hands , and be friends now.” kind of person. I believe  that conflict is valid, and should be confronted, but I also don’t think it’s necessarily to argue about every little nitty-gritty itty-bitty detail. A good respectful debate about the small stuff? Sure, I’m all for it, but a division within God’s people? That’s something else.

Why do we let this happen? It hurts so many people. Forgiveness, acceptance, denial are all different things, but overall don’t we believe the same? I’m not saying we should deny our differences, but should we let them define us? A squabbling church turns off a watching world. We accomplish so much more when we work together. What happened to “Your kingdom come… on earth as it is in heaven.”?

I realize this is much easier said than done. I realize that I’m wrestling with ideals here (we’re are still human), but if we let Jesus love for us permeate and rule, if we refused to be stumbling blocks to each other couldn’t we at least improve? Or is it asking too much to seek grace from those to whom unlimited, and undeserved grave has been given? Are my expectations too high for the behavior of the children of God?

Categories: Ponderings, rants | Tags: , , , , | 4 Comments

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