Posts Tagged With: sleep

Mess Of Ponderings

I think I shall go buy a new wardrobe because the old one doesn’t suit me anymore. How cliche, money-wasting, and impulsive, right? Did I mention that, yet again, it is late and I am writing even though I have to get up at an udgodly hour for work? Old habits never change, do they? Nor do old sins. I struggle with the same things over and over, as any faithful reader of my blog would attest. Meanwhile, Christian movie reviewers at condemn this film partially ( I get that there are other condemning factors) for its underlying theme–questioning people’s ability to truly change. I look around me and within myself and question too.

Anyhow, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is a thought provoking movie. Its premise has been the start of several fascinating conversations at work regarding whether or not coworkers would want any portions erased from their memories…when I get the chance to talk. Sometimes it feels like people only listen as a courtesy, and promptly butt in unleashing their problems as soon as a civil point for opening that topic presents itself. But I suppose I have no room to complain. Recently I went to my self-assigned honorary grandmother’s house (she’s a coworker). It only took a few caring questions, and then there was no turning off my babbling. I felt guilty after…but sometimes a person needs to just get everything out, you know? She thinks God wants me to stay at this job right now. I’m not so sure.

Speaking of needing to get it all out… I got a call while at work the other day from an elderly customer. She wanted to know about dog food, although she didn’t yet have a dog, nor any especially hopeful prospects of obtaining one. It ended up that we discussed much more than dog food, however. She told me of her heart problems, she has them like her dad did only worse. They didn’t have the money  to fix him, so his killed him, and her problems, well, they’re past the point that doctors can fix them even though she (apparently) has money, yet she is bound and determined that she’s going to go join the military. After all “Everyone in this town is a nutcase. Don’t you think so?” She ended off saying she’d pray  for me. She just needed someone to talk to. Sometimes I think I get along with the old and the young better than anyone else.

I don’t know where this post is heading or where to end. Nothing has changed since last post. I’m still drawn to the new, but allowing my comfort zone and financial state to hold me back. I thought recently of the title of a John Piper book I once read, though I didn’t particularly care for it:” Don’t Waste Your Life”. Much like the book trailer for Rosalie de Rosset’s “Unseduced and Unshaken”, his title drew me–the questions suggested by it are compelling–but I found the book to be an unsatisfactory answer. How does one go about not wasting his life? How does one gain the willpower to be unseduced and unshaken? Where is the key to fulfillment, and strength, and dignity? Most Christians are afraid to go at  those questions with anything less that Sunday School answers, so, I suppose, to these authors’ credit, at least they tried. Anyhow, I’m once again off topic, and the hour is late. Unfortunately, sleep is a necessity  as is my dull job, at least until I happen upon something better. I suppose this post is naught but a mess of ponderings.

Goodnight my friends.




Categories: Journey Prologues., Ponderings | Tags: , , , , , , , | Leave a comment



Two potential blog topics have been bouncing around in my head. Honestly, they don’t mesh well, but I think I’ll have a go at conjoining them regardless.


First (and I know I’ve said this before); It isn’t fair. It isn’t fair that I’m saved and not my nonbelieving friends. If our roles reversed as far as upbringing I’m nearly sure that our beliefs would switch as well. If you aren’t a Christian by your late teens, statistically the chance you’ll become one decreases sharply.

Also, some of them have tried. Nearly all have appealed to God at some point, put their money on Christianity… Over and over I hear “It didn’t make a difference.”, “God didn’t answer.”, “I didn’t feel Him.”. I get that God is not a genie. I understand. But that does not mean I don’t hold out some anger, some resentment. I know of those who tried God, got their ‘sign’, and are with Him today. Why didn’t my friends get answers? “Do not test the Lord your God.” Yes, yes I know, but…I’d give anything for the many I care about to have found Salvation. Seasoned skeptics let down by God and the church discourage me more than most anything else. There, I said it–I have a grudge against God.

If anyone decides not to shun me they can read on now to hear my next non-original thought. That is that there is a reason for God’s rules. We break them in search of temporary happiness or satisfaction or pleasure, and we get burnt, short term or long term, sooner or later.I’ve discovered this in my own life, but also on 7 cups. Open relationships aren’t Biblical; they don’t work. You get hurt, wonder why your significant other doesn’t trust you… Call me a simpleton  but to me it’s obvious. I hold my tongue there and try to sympathize a bit more, of course. After all, don’t we all break God’s law only to discover why it was there in the first place? Maybe not. Maybe I’m the only one who learns most things through mistakes. Ah well, I can serve as a counterexample for the rest of you.


Anyways, those are my two points; that is my poorly written blog post. Now I’m off to hopefully get at least five and a half hours of sleep before work in the morning. Goodnight.


Categories: My Life, Ponderings | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

My Purpose

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAI was afraid of losing my purpose, of purposelessness. I was  afraid of too much suffocating small talk this winter at work. “Nice”, facade shrouded Christian  people who wouldn’t let me in versus the “bad”, crazy, hurting, needy ones at the people place I’ve had to leave behind. That is what I was going to write about last week. I had the words scrawled in a notebook. It wasn’t my best post ever, but it would have done. But I didn’t get a chance to type it, because I was too busy doing more important things. Instant messaging is amazing. It means I haven’t had to leave the people behind.

Go to bed they tell me. Go to sleep. Get off the computer. And I do. I always leave before I want to, but sometimes it’s hard to balance the necessary things that don’t mean anything to me, and (what some people would call) the unnecessary things that matter beyond words. The joke at our house has always been “I can’t get off! Someone is wrong on the internet.” but that doesn’t even begin to compare to my reason now. “I can’t get off. Someone is hurting, needy, broken, desperate, seeking God…on the internet.” I thought for a while that I wanted to be a psychiatrist. I think I even talked about it on here. I decided not to because it’s a lot of time and money to get the degree, and with it I wouldn’t even be able to help the ones I want to anyways. The ones I want to help can’t or won’t pay. But just because I’ve decided against that career doesn’t mean that the reason I was attracted to it is gone. The people still need love and hope. I still feel the deep need to be the ear they need. No one wants to be alone.

Another thing I said I was afraid of in my old post was living for the weekend. Not in the typical sense, but still. I’m afraid of surviving the workweek, not really living, always waiting for the next time I get to see the people. The next time I get to be Jesus. This is what I live for now–to love on the people. This is what fulfills me even though I know (and am becoming ever more aware of) the fact that it isn’t me or my words that can heal them. I can’t heal, but I can be an arrow. I live to point them to the one who can help. I live for this, which is why the last few years before I went to the people place were so hard. I was purposeless, living in a bubble of Christian “friends” when what I really wanted to do was reach the broken. I am terrified of being that again.

It’s a huge responsibility. Which words to say? I represent Christ, and if I flub up there are consequences. It’s hard sometimes because there are so many, and I can’t help them all. When they all message me at once, and I want to give each the attention they deserve it can get overwhelming. But I’m learning how to balance.  I’m learning how to balance four conversations at once. I’m learning how to balance the annoying necessities like earning money, and the deeply meaningful like loving on other humans. Like accepting them, embracing them, and being the ear they need. They’re not weak, they’re just human. We all need a listening ear.

So whatever I do, wherever I go, I don’t want anything ever to stop me from this. This is my purpose. This is my passion. This is my reason to live.

Categories: Journey Prologues., My Life | Tags: , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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