Posts Tagged With: Switchfoot

Awakening

“I want to wake up kicking and screaming.
I want to live like I know what I’m leaving.
I want to know that my heart is still beating.”
~Switchfoot

I get so lost in the haze these days. Granted, I probably remember the past as being more simple than it truly was, but still… I’m looking for answers in what feels like a half-asleep daze, yet I dislike both those who claim to have simple, pat solutions and those who say “Your choice…I don’t want to sway you.” Why don’t we all come with instruction manuals?

I complain too much. I’ve got it good compared to many, both in mental and physical ways; to grumble about feelings of stagnation and apathy really doesn’t do anyone any good, but then what does? Someone told me “You did come with an instruction mainual– God’s Word.” It isn’t that simple. I don’t like change, but neither do I like rutstuckedness. I think I would take change over these feelings. Maybe I’ll meet God at camp and He will tell me what to do, but I have my doubts.

Doubts…I think I have all of the disciples’ weaknesses: doubting Thomas, impulsive Peter, wanting God to do what I expect is his plan and remove my troubles (for him the Romans) Judas. So many weaknesses and so few strengths. I wish I got directions in visions like Paul. “Go here. Do this.” But I guess we all have different versions of the thorn in the flesh to remind us of our humanness. That’s something I hope never to forget– my unworthiness and God’s grace. Our camp theme is going to be “It’s Not About Me”, something this grumbler could use to be reminded of. It’s about Him and His glory and His plan, even when I see no semblance of an organized plan in my life.

I need to get out of this fog. I want to wake up, know what I’m leaving, feel my heart beating, and really live, whether that means leaving the humdrum and mundane behind or learning to live voraciously in the midst of routine I do not know. I rather hope it is the former. Care to share any ideas of what has helped you to break out of spiritual ruts? I would love the help of The Body. Tell me, how do you keep from losing heart? How do you stay spiritually awake?

Categories: My Life, Ponderings | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Ungrateful

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAIt’s been a short week (Why doesn’t anyone ever say that– a short week?) full to the brim and busy. Moving from one thing to the next, the days blur together in fast forward. Sometimes I wonder what peace feels like. Maybe it’s a room with blue walls that is silent. Maybe it’s every word, every thought in my head spelled out on paper, no longer competing for prominence. Maybe it’s hearing God say “Well done.”, or feeling wrapped up in His love. If the wrestling in my heart was resolved maybe there would be peace, but at this point I have little hope of that happening so I fight on.

Mostly I fight against myself, which is very inefficient and frustrating. I don’t really try to stop the conflict; I don’t know why.Perhaps part of me knows that would be impossible. Would it? And would peace be worth the difficulty of slowing that fight, of stopping it? Would it be worth the sacrifice? Honestly I doubt it would, and I suspect that maintaining the peace would be just as difficult as attaining it.

I’m sorry. This is another unhappy, pity party post that you’re wading through. It’s probably choppy too, since I’m tired. It’s not that my life is hard, on the contrary I’m extremely blessed. I have much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving: I am surrounded by people who love me regardless of how messed up I am, I’m an American and thus free to write  whatever I like, I have food and clothes, there is a God who loves me… I must seem very ungrateful  when I should be thankful that I even have the opportunity to be busy with work and education and people.

Indeed, I am blessed physically and spiritually, but I get stuck in what I lack, mostly spiritually. I get mad at myself. I feel guilty. But you didn’t come here to hear about my failings.  Honestly, I don’t know why you come . I can’t even claim that it’s because I’m real (not that I lie here, it’s just the omissions) so I don’t know why you come back to read.

There’s a song that says “This is your life, are you who you want to be? This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be when the world was younger, and you had everything to lose?” I wonder if anyone can answer yes to those questions and say that they are who they aspired to be when they were young. I cannot. I didn’t aspire to be too busy to think, or the be wrestling with myself, but such is life I guess.  You never attain perfection. Maybe perfection is another word for peace.

Categories: My Life, rants | Tags: , , , , , | 4 Comments

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