Posts Tagged With: work

Calling?

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAThe empty page taunts me again, the bane of every writer. Beginning, especially when you don’t know where you’re going to go is a daunting task, but I’ve promised myself to try and write a post per week again. So, I’ll brave this ever-decreasing white space. I’ll try and fill it with something meaningful.

The pastor talked this Sunday about work and calling and vocation. (Did you know the Latin root word for “vocation” actually means calling? Me neither). In Sunday School we talked with the visiting college students about majors and minors and roommates and college life. Afterwards my sister found a fellow graduated-at-16, homeschooler going into the chemistry field and chatted for ages. For me it’s almost always easy to pick out the former or current homeschooler in a group. But that’s a rabbit trail if I’ve ever heard one.

“Calling.” I’m not sure if I believe in that word so much as most do. I’ve been admonished from little up to know or find my calling. To pray and “Don’t go to college unless you know what you want for sure.” The pastor said to not get good grades and go to college and get a good job without finding your calling. He said find your calling “And then get good grades and go to college and get a good job.”, which struck me as laughable. God doesn’t call everyone to college, and, I get the feeling that God’s definition of “a good job” would be far different than society’s. But what do I know of holy? What do I know of what God wants, for my life, let alone for yours? Not much. Next to nothing.

I don’t get precise direction like most people seem to. They graduate high school and “God called me to this school.”, and then to this mission field or that job. I got my current job because I was job hunting and it was offered to me. Could that be God’s direction? I think yes. I didn’t pray before accepting it, I don’t know that I’ll know when I am called to leave it. I only know that I do life messily; I make it up as I go along. Is that so wrong?

I have dreams of saving up enough to take at least a year off of work and going adventuring. To meet people, and travel places, and take offers I currently have to refuse because I’m working. You want a companion to bike with you to the Grand Canyon? Yes. There is an opportunity to sail for four weeks on The Flagship Niagra? Yes, I’d love to do that. Let me be a wayfarer and join the WWOOFERs for 6 months. Let me buy a cheap round ticket to another country. Let me meet new people and live frugally, but well. Granted, my roots are deep in this country, in this state, this county, this place. I plan to return. Maybe I’ll never muster up the gumption or the money to leave for a while. But I can dream, right? The pastor said that only 60% of the population is working like that’s a bad thing. Jesus didn’t start his intended job, what he was called to, until he was 30. Somehow (and maybe I’m biased), I don’t think he’d mind so much if I took a year off to explore the wonderful planet and the wonderful people that my God has created. But I’m not ordained, and I don’t always feel his spirit. What do I know of God’s elusive will?

Sometimes I think I’m a broken record, that I write about the same things here too often to be at all compelling or interesting to read. I suppose I’ll apologize…but maybe not. This is my life. Coherency is overrated. I still repeat less than some Bible passages. This blog is supposed to be about God and I, and too often with Him I get rut stuck or go in circles. Life in transition isn’t glamorous or interesting. I had always thought that your late teens and twenties were meant to be the prime of your life. Maybe I’m not living that to it’s full potential? I don’t know. I don’t feel like I know much of anything these days. On that note, it’s time to wrap this post up. The page is not so blank anymore, and hopefully the words that fill it are at least somewhat meaningful, not only to me but also to others. Hopefully they struck a chord. Tell me, did they?

 

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Categories: My Life, rants | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

My Future & My Now

What is the point? Who will I be? Where do I want to go? Because the wild child with the gung ho heart, creative apparel, and feathers in her hair OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAwasn’t much for getting jobs. Unpredictable equals don’t hire. Makes sense. Though I finally did get a job, by the grace of God. I suppose I’m not grateful enough for it. The people there are nice even when I mess up, and I don’t have to work with numbers. But it fences me in; it pulls me down.  A Christian workplace means I’m not meeting new desperate people, forming new relationships. I tell myself I don’t mind the work, know I don’t mind the money, but it drains my time with the old people (I’ve had to cut off seekers’ deep, late night conversations because I have to wake up and function the next morning) and prevents me from meeting new ones. Someday I am afraid there will be none left… I was right–the connections here are surface level, except for a couple. One I already had. I rock the boat here. (“You are crazy. I have no idea what goes on inside your head.”) I don’t mind it. But it isn’t where I’m supposed to be, at least not for long.

But people say stay, and I know that is wise. I’ve got my foot in the door here. This is a steady job, and I’m not good at acquiring jobs, remember? It’s not like I want to start anew, stress anew, learn anew somewhere else, but I do not fit here.  I was right before, predicting I would live for my days off, weekends, and time with the people. Everyone says “It’s work. You’re not supposed to enjoy it.” Maybe they’re right; maybe I’m not being a realist. But I need to have the people now and always, and soon these old ones will grow up and move on. I’m not meeting the next generation at the people place this year…What to do?

God has been working. He has been exciting me with the people lately. I’m seeing more to make me hope than ever before. Talked to one I hadn’t seen in months online, and he said he got baptized that day. I asked if that meant anything to him. “Yes…”He talked about how he had changed this summer, lost a lot of friends because of his new beliefs. Another one, an agnostic I’ve known a while was going through dark times. I prayed, asked another lover of people who is seeking truth to pray. Next day the dark times aren’t as bleak, and he wants to read the whole Bible; he can’t wait until I get him one. He’s giving God a chance. Then there is the atheist from the family I’ve cried many late night, intercessory tears over who’s band mates have converted, want to “glorify Jesus” with their music now, and conversations with a stubborn member of the same family over why I’ll gamble my everything on eternity and let that effect my now. So many more… God is working. He is alive. He is amazing.

To be clear, I don’t see the people as projects. They are friends, they mean a lot to me, and they will continue to do so regardless of their decisions. I get excited about their considering Christ and about His pursuit of them because I want to see them happy, I want them to know truth, selfishly I want to spend eternity with them. I love pouring myself into people. It is what makes me thrive. Sometimes I feel that I am running empty, that no one is pouring into me, but I lean into God in those times and press on. The people need me, and God is using me. It feels good to be used by God.

Still, my conundrum remains. The thing that takes the most of my time is not the most important thing, the one which means the most to me. For some reason I have to squeeze that thing around work for now, which can be aggravating and frustrating sometimes. Hopefully this won’t be forever though. I am working on applying to a new people place that may allow me eventually to stay with my people, my mission, for the rest of my life. If I am rejected I don’t know what I will do. I cannot continue with this imbalance of my priorities forever, but for now I suppose I must. I love the people. God helps me. He helps me help them. Their problems are too big for me. I can do nothing (not this or my future), absolutely nothing alone.

Categories: Journey Prologues., My Life, Ponderings | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

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